Who Else Would Do This To Their Teenager?

My DH and I spend so much of our time thinking about our kids, talking to them, and talking to each other about them.  And even though we are in our late 40's we clearly remember what it is like to be a teen--that it is not easy-- and just the other day I had a empathetic discussion with our 15 year old, who was sharing his thoughts.  Talking to our kids and to DH about things that are teenage-realm related has brought up many memories of mine that I must write about to help process.


From 7th through 12th grade I went to a small, private school (and my NM sent me there as a status thing for her, but I am very glad I went there as it is part of who I am and I still have close friends all these years later).  At school we wore a uniform of a plaid skirt and a white, button-up top.  It was an all-girls school.  Occasionally there'd be a dance.  My NM was very strict (she was the ruler in the house and had a long-term boyfriend and after years they eventually married the month I turned 18) and I didn't socialize on weekends as much as most teens did.

When I was 15 or 16 there was a fall dance and my brother may have driven me to the school dance and it was casual, mostly hanging out with my friends and guys we knew that were invited.  I think that my brother hung out too as he was fun and my friends liked him platonically and vice versa.  Later, around 11:00 p.m. or so my NM showed up, which I think was a surprise because I don't think it was set up that she'd pick me up.  And fortunately, at this time there were NOT a lot of kids left at school.  I was in the parking lot--along with just a girlfriend or two.

My NM hops out of the car DRESSED IN MY SCHOOL UNIFORM.  And as if she is acting in a play she says loudly, but to no one in particular, "HI! I'm here for the dance!" and she is sort of jumping up and down in a perky way, playing her role of a school girl.

My NM was 35 or 36 years old at the time and was a successful (self-employed) business person..  She did not do drugs or alcohol.  It was fucked up and freaky.  I can't remember if I went home with her or if my brother was still there and I went home with him.  I do know that I did not react and left very quickly on the down low.  I do know that it was not discussed after that night or if it was then it was brushed off saying that she was just having fun and I never confronted her about it being inappropriate.

I cannot EVEN imagine sitting home as the parent and deciding to "have fun" and go into my child's closet and try on her school uniform and then drive to a school dance (mind you the school was not in the neighborhood--it was a 25 minute drive at best) dressed up in my child's school uniform. 

It is so apparent now how this is an example of how she did not think of me as a separate person.

This Summer I've Only Dealt with What Matters Most

Since my last post after I was laid off from work I've been on an awesome road trip, another family trip to see many nice in-laws, visited my 90-yr-old GM for 5 days, doing things with the kids every day, and looking for the right job for me.

What I have not done is communicate with my mother.  I know she thinks I am the most horrible daughter in the world.

After I superficially visited with her in April when I took my two youngest children to see GM, as I suspected, she assumed that since we visited we would once again talk on the phone and I'd be her dutiful daughter and engage in conversation and insist that my kids call her on a regular basis, which of course would lead to her asking again for me to do the right thing and have the grandkids visit her.

Since April she's emailed me in May pointing out that she had not heard from me, nor rec'd a call from the kids and has no idea what she has done to have me avoiding her.

In the beginning of the summer my family and I went on a road trip and I emailed photo of the kids to her.  It was my b-day around that time and she left me a vm wishing me a nice day.

In July she left me a vm that was lots of sentences about how she had only received the one photo, has not heard from the kids, suggests we go camping near her and maybe camp together (!!!), thought that the kids could call her on Sundays as she had suggested, etc.  No return call from me.

A few weeks ago she called and I let it go to vm.  I have no idea what she said as I have never once listened to it.  The older I get, listening to her voice does not get easier.

Earlier in the summer when we returned from vacation there was a b-day card waiting for me.  My NM never says she loves me and never writes it.  When I mentioned to her on the phone this past March that she doesn't even like me, she made no effort to correct me.

It's so evident in the b-day card she selected that all that matters is "the rules" on mother/daughter roles.

On the front of the card it is printed:

Love You, daughter (with flowers and rhinestones on front)

On the inside it is printed:

I loved you before you were born.  And I'll love you forever and a day.

That's how it is with a mother and her daughter.

Happy Birthday

And then she signs it: Mom

I think it would have been OK if it stopped before "That's how it is with a mother and her daughter".

because we are not your middle of the road mother and daughter.  This is saying to me that because of biology a mother loves a daughter.  I bet the words on this card would mean something different to a hundred other daughters.  Oh, I could go on and on.

Deep down inside this week I have been feeling guilty that I have not sent her any photos or any updates of what we're up to.  I think it would be easy to keep us artificial and email photos of the kids.  But then the requests and cajoling for them visiting (without me) would begin.  I have not shared that I am job hunting because she would state that then I have the free time to visit with the kids.  I do talk to my grandmother every week and even stayed with her in July, and I know that my GM relays who she talks to to my NM.

So that is where I am.  Close to landing a job, and starting to feel the stirrings of having to once again address with my NM as to why I am just not that into her.

When Former Nutjob Employers Give You Lemons......

I've mentioned in previous posts how I am busy from early morning till late at night with my job (for which I'd sometimes have to travel) and with 1 tween and 2 teenage children and dinner and their activities. What I've never written before is how miserable my job made me.  Back in the fall of 2008 there were not many job offers after a prior employer was bought by another company--so I took this particular one--and then the economy really took a bad turn.  For the past 2+ years it's been said often to be glad one has a job in this economy.

However, I knew the job wasn't the right one for me for a while now.  And then I realized that my boss had some N qualities.  She worked 24/7 and has one child and here is an actual quote with a laugh she said to me a few months ago about herself, "This parenting thing is interfering with my work life!"  Hmmm.  Isn't it interesting how once we become enlightened about NPD we have a radar for this.  Narc-dar.

With my own NM I have certain responsibilities which makes me feel like I have to do things sometimes as the "right" thing to do.  For example, I've had to deal with an illness and recuperation for my grandmother in another state and deal with my NM who was there when we visited-- part of my making a choice as a parent to do the right thing for someone else even though an N was involved.

And having a job that paid the bills (DH and I have equitable job salaries) is another example of what I have to do as part of my role to provide and do what is best as a parent and partner.

However--lately this job was making me sick.  I dreaded going there.  I was experiencing an incredible amount of stress. I started to job search a couple of months ago, feeling like the economy was in a better place for hiring now than a year ago.

And then 4 days ago I was laid off due to the company restructuring.  I was mad that they gave me notice--I had pictured my giving them notice soon.

But after the shock and weepiness during the first 48 hours, in these second 48 hours I have felt happier and healthier than in a long time, and I have been laughing on the phone with friends which has not been the case in a while.

People I don't even know in real life have been kinder to me these past few days than the people I used to see at work every day.  Old friends have given me more of their time over the past few days than any of these people I saw every day.  I've reached out to business contacts I've known through work and have received empathy, business leads, and encouragement.  All of these people know my authentic self.

As ACONs we know that the Ns in our life do not know us, are not interested in knowing us or liking us and cannot empathize and instead make circumstances about them.  So,the last person I would share my personal business with is my NM.

Who knows when I will be employed again, but everyone in my family is healthy, our home was not torn apart in a tornado and I am taking this opportunity to be good to myself and spend time with the people who matter most.

I Have a Brother

From the ages of 0 to 22 (when I met my DH and began my life with him), no two years have ever been alike from after age 4.  Sometimes we lived on the west coast, a little bit on the east coast, and a couple years in the middle of the country.  Sometimes my NM was married.  Sometimes we lived in a house vs. an apt.  She barely made an income until I was age 11 and then at one point she became very wealthy (her own career/business).

I have a brother two years older, and growing up and we were close.  As my NM would tell others (enviously), we were "as thick as thieves".  My brother would tell me that we have to stick together.  We were close because we had each other during all those years of change.  Then, after I got married in my mid-20's our complete different-ness  began to show, but the love was always there.  I think the biggest bond was knowing we had been through the same family growing up.

We don't talk anymore.  Like others I have met through their blogs, there came a point, and for me that was only about two years ago, when my brother (who is bipolar but never maintained a job and has no money for prescription drugs or other help) drew a line in the sand.  Looking back he had developed interests in only himself.  I became increasingly aware of him using my grandmother, always asking her for $$, being able to live in a rental home she owned and not always paying her, and increasingly speaking to my NM to get her to help him get more $$ from my grandmother and discussing his entitlement he felt he had to a home she owned.  This behavior is exactly like my NM.

Finally I told him that I did not agree with his way of thinking.  My NM reached out to him and told him she would get him $$.  My brother has always been in awe that I have been a responsible, married, working outside the home, mother of three.  he says he has no idea how I do it.  He also knows that DH and I know all of his episodes of leaving town unannounced to me or anyone, leaving bills behind for innocent families to pay, quitting jobs when he had them less than a year.  People always like him.  He is smart--he could sell anything.  I have always loved him and still do.

Last year he began to repeat words of my NM to me such as, "You don't return calls to your own mother."  "You don't drive (you know that 10-hour drive) to visit her with your kids enough."  Then when I would call him from the car (my only alone time--it is when I call my best girlfriends), he'd get paranoid and ask why I never called him from home--Did my DH not want me to call him, he'd ask.  Absurd.  I did not return that call to him.  I realize now that my brother is also always about himself.  Never asked how I was--just like my NM I could put the phone down and let him go on and on about himself.

And then he rejected me one year ago.  He went into a rage that I did not return his call and I think he chose to reject me in lieu of my perceived rejection of him.  He left me a screaming vm that I no longer had a brother and then he mailed me a goodbye letter with any photo I'd ever sent to him of my children, and us.  He also called my DH a loser.  My DH has always been polite to him and would welcome him when through the years my brother would show up with maybe two hours notice to us (except for when he lived in my GM's house for many years, my DH has always been a wanderer).

Sometimes I notice my kids, especially my oldest, resemble him physically, or in his gait, or in his sports interests and it is too bad that my brother is this way and that my kids have one less uncle.  I know why he is this way--he had it just as bad as I did growing up and as an adult, being told he is worthless, etc.  He was the scapegoat but when I started having kids things shifted and he became golden.  As years go on and my GM is getting very old and one day my NM will too, I am sure we will then be forced to talk.  I could ask my NM for his phone number...it changes all the time and his jobs and address in different states changes frequently......but right now it is something we don't speak of. 

Question For You About Plane Anxiety

I am a horribly anxious flyer on planes and a comment once made to me by a pilot and therapist on a fear of flying board made me wonder if this fits any of you.

I described that I am very fearful of flying as I imagine all sorts of horrible things.  That beeping noise heard over the PA several times a flight?  I convince myself it is code from the pilot to the flight attendants of imminent danger.  Seeing other planes also flying in the distance?  I am convinced that it is too crowded out there and air traffic control is sleeping and planes will get too close.  Don't even get me started on turbulence.  I've been known to gasp out loud.  I once met a pilot at a party and I asked him many questions and I truly felt better after listening to him.  This was New Year's Eve 2008 and a couple of weeks later a plane hit birds and had to land in the Hudson.  So now I worry about fowl as well as wackadoodle, trouble-causing passengers.

Anyway, I received this response from a therapist:

"We all have some built-in ability to deal with uncertainty. Some of us handle it better than others. We therapists believe it has a lot to do with whether enough feelings of security was built into the relationship between the young child and the caregivers.

Though most of us look back and think of early life as secure, there are major differences which, because we don't have comparative experience, don't recognize.  The major difference, we believe, is whether or not the caregivers "tuned in" enough to actually feel what you were feeling. A child who develops in an environment where there is a feeling connection from the caregivers, also feels the connection and develops security.

Fast forward to adulthood. When the feeling connection and the security that comes with it is not solidly established for us, we have anxiety problems. So, we make up for feelings of uncertainty by trying to establish certainty. We use control. We try to take the uncertainty out. Still, we want a way out; an escape route.  If we have both control and escape, we feel synthetically secure.

But when flying, these two "security blankets" (control and escape) are taken away.  We, thus, are thrown back to only the built in semi-security of early childhood. It isn't enough. We panic."

It is true that I did not have a secure childhood, and it is true that I am anxiety-ridden during a flight.  It is true that my DH had a secure childhood and he is so relaxed during a flight that he can sleep the whole time (curses!).  But it is also true that I worry about everything.  Maybe I would worry about the flight even if I had a more secure childhood?  And bummer for me, I have had to fly a lot this past year, with more flights planned this summer.  I try to remind myself how every day and night thousands of planes are flying in the skies without incident.  But just about every time I fly I'm a wreck on the inside and often my limbs are shaking.   However I have to fly about every month for work and I will fly a couple times a year for visiting GM and other events here and there.

What do you think?  Do any of you have a correlation between your childhood and flying anxiety?  Or do you think it is pretty normal for anyone to imagine a disaster could happen on one's flight.

Two Steps Back?

Last year I had no reason to speak to my NM on Mother's Day and this year I felt that obligation gnawing.  Sort of.  This year I saw my NM and had a meal or two because I traveled to see my G'ma.  My NM acted like it was a regular visit to see her and that because we were talking, superficially, over a meal, that she hoped perhaps we'd pick up like things were a couple years ago in which she'd badger me to call her more often, etc.


But I don't feel the same anymore.  Ever since she said horrible things to me and then about me and then never denied when I wrote to her about the lack of respect for me (and gave examples), and her meanness.  My heart feels better when we don't talk.


Things in the "material world? have been tough for my NM this past year and I feel she expects me to be a presence in her life to sooth her, admire her, etc.


After I saw her in early April, I wrote about how she left my G'ma in the nursing facility, no one knows when she will be well enough to leave there, and my NM takes off, a few states away, to be in her summer home.  She drove two days and made it but I didn't call her.


End of April I got this email:

"How are you?  Since we last spoke, I didn't hear from the kids.

Also, I felt bad, I did not hear from you for Easter.  Mom"

I did not respond.

As Mother's Day approached I did not feel right sending her a non-heartfelt Mother's Day card and tried for 10 mins in the store to find a suitable one and gave up. 

Unfortunately that Fear, Obligation, Guilt was there when I woke up on Mother's Day.  After my lunch out with my DH and children, I called her cell #.  My choice is that it was easier for me to be superficial on the phone.  But her cell # was disconnected.  She is in her "summer" home and I called the last # I had for that.  Disconnected.

So I emailed her and wished her a Happy Mother's Day and hoped she had had a good day, and mentioned her cell and house phone numbers I had for her were disconnected.

She sent me an email back the day after Mother's Day and mentioned that she thought she had told everyone she planned to disconnect her cell # and that the home number they have had has been the same for two years (I never called that number.  I had to rescue my G'ma away from her two summers ago and we only emailed each other).  She also stated that she has listed the summer home number in previous cards to the kids (and she provided me with the #s).

She ended her very brief email with this:

"Needless to say, a mother who receives no call or card on Mother's Day feels bad and wonders what she has done to deserve such.  Mom"

I relayed this last night to my DH.  I mentioned how I have given her details in the past of how she has hurt me.  He maintains that she will never get it so why even email her the same feelings again.  (I should just write her back and say, "at least you have kept the same email address").  Honestly, my kids are amazed at how many residences she has had in their short lives.  They know how often I moved by the time I was their ages.


Just two months ago my NM and I had a sort of honest conversation and I stated how she doesn't even like me.  She had no comment.  So....why should I be surprised that she acts surprised that I don't go through the motions of calling her.  She just wants to be called so that she can chat to me and the kids and act all normal and chooses not to give a damn about why I don't feel like it.


Meanwhile, when I spoke to my G'ma the day before Mother's Day she told me she rec'd our card and she liked it and then she says she "got the most beautiful card she has ever received from her daughter (my NM, the one who had to go a few states away to plant her garden).  Sheesh.  My older generations are all into the tangible item.

Be Good to Yourself Tomorrow and Real Love

Last year was the first Mother's Day I had after I was able to put an NPD description to my NM.  Also, last Mother's Day was one I will always remember for me as feeling the most incredible joy and love from my DH and children.  I felt extremely fragile last year and the true love at my house meant even more to me last year than ever.

I was married for many years before DH and I had children.  Just about every Mother's Day I would leave my DH alone and travel 3 hours or so to spend a night and be with my NM and many times my brother was there too and we'd take her out to brunch and of course I brought a gift.  My NM loved the image of her and us out to brunch.  It was always so uncomfortable for me.

Then I became a mother and DH and I have done our own thing on Mother's Day but I would always send a card AND a gift (I have to say I feel fortunate in  many ways not living nearby by NM but also feel like it prolonged my realization of how things truly were/are).

Not once in my 14 years of being a mom has my NM ever said Happy Mother's Day to me.

Around 2.5 years ago, after realizing my NM does not think twice to betray me, I have acted more real.  But there is still that "higher road" that I feel...still that decency feeling toward another human being.  So what I did last year was send her a "To Grandmother" card from the kids.  Since the reality is that she doesn't even like me.

Earlier this week I only spent time at one store....but I truly could not even find a suitable card from my kids....other than just picking one that is blank inside.  Which I didn't do.  BTW, this buying of cards has been a depressing chore for years and years.  I usually found one that said "Hope you spend your day doing whatever you love to do" and then she always exclaimed over the pretty purple flowers or whatever.

I saw this one for laughs:

I looked and looked and picked one out for my GM and one easily for my MIL.  But I just didn't feel like picking out a blank one or a generic one for my NM.

I thought maybe we would send an e-card so I looked around online today  But I don't feel like messing around with signing up for an account.  Back to chuckling...check this one out:

We sent my GM a card.  I am sure she is not happy that I have not gone back to visit her so that I can bring her some take-out food.......

It is a tough weekend for many people--at whatever stage one is in during this awakening and path.

Crazy Talk

When I was out of state to visit my Grandmother (GM) I visited with my NM not only that night I described in my last post but after a good day with the kids and I doing some fun things and a visit with GM we stopped by my NM’s so she could see the kids once more before I drove back home the next day.  I really had the guilts from my GM being happy that I was getting together with my NM.

Now I see that she played the more polite role the first night when the kids were swimming in her community pool, sticking to topics of polite chit-chat such as how am I liking my job (I was surprised as she never asks).  I think she was intending to find out how much traveling I was doing.

We ended up going to a deli nearby and at this meal the kids and I were quickly “over” her conversation.  Once again she droned on to them about how they could excel at a sport if they really wanted to.  She kept talking this usual way without engaging them and none of us had anything to say to her. 

After hardly speaking for two years, my NM had these interesting moments:

When we saw each other the first night she said, “Oh, you cut off all your hair.”  Ummm, it is on my shoulders, and only a few inches shorter than I used to wear it.  Then the 2^nd night she asks me how I am liking the shorter hair.  I thought she was referring to herself.  I said I liked it.  She said, Oh you do?  I realized she meant my hair.

During our deli meal when she kept talking she says to the kids, “Your mother was so cute when she was little.  She had long blond hair…..big blue eyes.  She was so cute”  We all ignored her.

After dinner back at her place we didn’t go inside but took a quick walk to look at a fountain and I was really anxious to get to our hotel and I was walking in front of her, heading toward my car in the parking lot.  The kids are behind her.  She says, “You never used to have a butt before and now you are all filled out.”  I turned around and gave her a look to convey that was an asinine thing to say.  I turned back around.  She continued, “Oh, not that it looks bad—it looks good.”

 Put a fork in me, I was done.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

But here’s the latest insanity.

My GM is in a nice rehab/skilled nursing center and receives physical therapy every day except Sunday.  She will most likely be there for another 6 weeks.  She is doing as well as can be expected from voluntary hip surgery, but her upper body is weak.  Once she is released she will have a home health care aid come to her house for 5 hours a day, maybe longer, and she had this service before.  She will need to be stronger as she will not have a full time aid.

For the past few years my NM has lived in a winter home that is near GM from November to April and a summer home from May – October (because GM helped her buy the summer home—remember, my NM told GM she would not be able to visit her unless she forked over thousands of cash to put down).

Well, guess who has left for summer home and left GM at rehab with no one else she knows around.   All I have heard  now in every conversation from GM is how wonderful my NM has been since her surgery on March 1^st, bringing her food and treats and doing her laundry. 

NM has left for summer house because she always intended to leave last week of April so that she could plant her garden by May 1^st.

Her vegetable garden.  At her summer home.

So, if a worker at the rehab center asks my GM where her daughter has gone, does my GM say, "Oh, she drove several states away to go to her summer home so that she can plant her garden by May 1st like she has wanted to." ??

Have I mentioned she is retired?  When we had a frank conversation in March and I stated that she had many opportunities to visit the kids but never did my NM defended herself, “But I was working then.  Now I’m retired!”

She is retired.  She has no where she needs to be.  Except she had to be at summer house to plant vegetable garden by May 1^st.

I work outside the home.  I get a set number of vacation days a year.  I cook every day when I get home for 5 of us.  Three kids in three different schools—Readers, you get my life but NM and GM (now) does not.  My NM planted the seed to GM that after NM leaves for her summer house, I can come visit.

And since she is still in the nice skilled nursing/rehab center, why does GM ask me to drive 10 hours each way or spend hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket???  She is asking for me to bring her over to her own place for some Chinese take-out food (or bring some take-out and hot coffee to her, and to do her laundry in her machines because the nice skilled nursing home would wash her clothes with other people’s at the same time and she does not want that.  GM was telling me this (like I said I thought she needed help if she was getting discharged) and I said, “Do your laundry?” and she said, “Yes, it is very easy—you just put a load in the washer and then the dryer.”  I was silent but what I wanted to say is that I know, I do about 10 loads a week at my house.

I vented to DH about the insanity.  My BFF lives in the same town and had visited GM and could pick up her laundry and take her Chinese food if I asked her to.  DH said he could drive there and knock everyone’s socks off about how spouses do things for each other……but frankly I feel a few days, hundreds of dollars in gasoline or a plane ticket to do a load of laundry is a bit much.

GM has a nephew visiting there on business in 11 days from now and she has asked him to do these things too. 

I don’t know.  I think everyone has gone crazy.

Visit with My NM

The last 5 weeks have been way high up on the stress charts.  It has taken me several weeks to just let some time pass.

I wanted to make the long drive to visit my grandmother with 2 of my 3 children during their spring break (the oldest had some sports tournaments and DH stayed home too).  We left on a Saturday and drove back on a Tuesday.  Eleven hours there and 10 hours back.  My GM had elective hip surgery in early March and my NM lives near her approx. Nov-April.  After the surgery I spoke to my NM as described in the last post, for the first time in a year.  I can honestly say I do not shake anymore while speaking with her as a result of learning so much about NPD this past year and also hearing the words on your blogs.  When I speak to her now or listen to her it is less personal, and more as if I am listening to a “case”.  And then later it affects me and I have to sort through it.

Believe it or not I enjoyed the drive and we made lots of stops and had fun.  For the first night we stayed with an old friend of mine, who knows everything about my family, and she adores our kids and my DH (who was very happy to be home and work on spring yard projects).

I did not call my NM to tell her I was coming—I would have had to hear all about how I should stay with her (!!) or what time to see her or my GM together (GM is at a skilled nursing home getting physical therapy care).  I did call my GM and told her we’d see her Sunday afternoon, the next day.

It was very nice to relax, sleep in and catch up with my friend and go out to breakfast the next day and shop for a few things for GM.  That afternoon as we drove the 30 mins to see GM I called my NM.  I told her we were in town because the kids had a few days off and that we were seeing GM for the next couple of hours.  I had asked the kids if she invited us over what they wanted to do.  I don’t let my kids make adult decisions, but we were on this trip together and they know what is going on.  But the good thing about being with kids is sometimes their simple answers can cut to the chase.

My NM lives in a community that has some gorgeous pools.  And it was Hot.  The kids said in unison, “We want to swim in her pool.”  So my NM and I kept it brief and she asked that since we would be extremely close to her place after our visit with GM, did we want to come over afterwards and the kids could use the pool.  So I told her that would be fine.

We visited with my GM, for two hours and I was so, SO proud of my good boys.  It was hot, they had to share one chair, they were bored but not one time on the way down, or visiting with GM or on the drive back did they ever whine or complain.  I’m verklempt just writing about it.

As I mentioned in my last post, my GM had begun to ask what is it that my NM did to me.  She is almost 90 yrs old and now frail and now needing my NM who is the only relative that lives near her half of the year, she's been needing my NM to take care of household things.  I had told me GM about the disrespect and the mean stuff, all of which GM knows.  What GM does not know and I will someday write about is my NM's betrayal.  My GM certainly had her list of why she was “done” with my NM two summers ago.  When GM heard that we were heading over to see my NM and have a swim, she said, “That’s nice.”  I brought my kids on this trip to be with me, and have a little fun together (beach) and to see their Great GM and although my NM does not deserve to see me or them, we did spend a couple hours with her.

After visiting with GM I called my NM.  In the back of my mind I am thinking, “I cannot believe that I am going to be visiting with my NM, who has behaved horribly two summers ago to my GM in their summer home that I had to go rescue her, and that said horrible things about me to my GM that she relayed to me.  Things that made me realize after all these years that my NM doesn’t like me.  There is no way all that venom can spew out about someone (me) and ever think it was ever right to begin with.

We arrived at her place and as I predicted and braced my middle son, she exclaimed over and over how much he had grown.  She had not seen the kids in 2 years.  From May through October she lives only 3 hours from me and the past two years I told her she could visit us but she never did.  She wants them to be with her without me there, but they don’t want to and we parents won’t allow it.

There was no physical touch for me and our body language likely read to each other to make this a grand-kid related visit and nothing else except of course to review all of her financial woes over past 6 months what she has been up to.  So there we were, sitting by the pool.  It was surreal.  But like I said, it was bearable because I know what she is, I know it is not me, I know who I am, and I just made mental notes of the Narc-isms.

When I spoke on the phone a couple weeks prior and we had some very frank words, I did mention some things about how I realize some things even looking back to my childhood.  My NM responded as to I had no clue how bad her childhood was.  So I think my NM is dismissing any of the current issues I have with her and is focusing on that childhood comment.  The only reference we really had during this visit is she said, “Speaking of childhood abuse…” and she mentioned something about her childhood.  I am very calm and parent-like and acknowledged that I know her childhood was the pits.

The only way my NM has known to show the kids she feels for them is to buy them something so she insisted that although it was late she wanted to get them an Easter gift and we went to the big store next door (which worked for me because I bought some toiletry items I needed).

When we said good-bye and she says to me, “Come here, You!” And gives me a long hug.  I did not feel it and I did not reciprocate.  As others have said in their Narc parent blogs, the body does not lie. 

Of course my NM had wanted to know what we were doing the next day.  My NM thought that at some point we would hook up during the day but we did our thing and she did hers. We ended up seeing her for about another 2 hours the next night and I’ll post more about that next.  There were more Narc-isms then and have been some more in the past week.

I’m worn out, flat worn out.  But my kids and DH are the best people I know and I work during the day and drive home to see them again after work like a bat out of hell to get home.

Conversation with NM

In the fall of 2009 I emailed my NM and told her that she was bullying me and a few other honest observations including that the kids would not be visiting her alone.  She responded that my email hurt her and that “she was letting go.”  We didn’t speak until April 2010 at which time she asked again for the kids to visit her that summer because she deserved it because she was getting older but still young enough.  I replied in email that I could visit with them or she could visit here.  I have not spoken to her on the phone, nor have the kids seen her in 24 months.

I was upset to see an email from her last week that my grandma had had a heart attack as a result of her elective surgery.  She sent the email many days after the heart attack happened.  (Note: the email gave that fact about GM and continued on with 2 sentences about what she has been up to regarding trying to sell her house). 

So after I spoke to my GM I called my NM and she proceeded to give me an update on GM and what she had learned from her docs and how she should be moved soon to a rehab center but not sure what day that would happen.

As usual she tried to dominate the conversation.  Once again she tells me how she sees all these other grandparents in her resort town that have their grandkids visit but not her.    Once again she mentions how they are getting older.  Once again I tell her that there have been times when I have asked her to come visit for a long weekend and she said she is busy working, and then we observe her managing to go with friends on a vacation.  My NM is pretty quick with her excuses.  She says, “I was working then.  Now I am retired.”  I tell her that I have worked for the past 25 years since I was 22 and have managed to take long weekends to visit her and take one week’s vacation several times to drive with the kids to visit…and then I see her lose patience after 36 hours.  She tells me that she made a point to have my brother and I see our paternal grandparents often even though she and my dad were divorced.  “I didn’t keep them from you,” she says.  (My grandparents conveniently helped her out watching us for weeks at a time when needed.  They were 2 hours away and she never drove us—she had no relationship with them.  As young as ages 6 and 8 she put us on a Greyhound bus which had 3 stops in between and took 4 hours).

She tells me, “You were my princess.  I have always done everything for you.”  I told her I have been an adult for a long time and she has not done much for me as an adult.  As far as the childhood goes, I tell her that I did get food, shelter and those things.  She tells me that I got a lot more than that. She continued on, “Until you got married and someone else was responsible for you.”  (Note this is a really oddball thing to say.  I married my DH who is same age as me.  We have worked hard—I would never say that anyone was responsible for me).

I told her that it is the realization of many things over the past couple of years and her comments in front of me and behind my back that have made me realize that there is not like for me or love or respect.

“Crickets.”

There was no reaction or dispute to that.  I’m sure she wasn’t listening to me.  But she knows what I am talking about.  I stated a couple times that there was no respect for me.

I continue and tell her what she said in front of the kids summer of 2008 made me realize these things.  Note: after a weekend visit to her in summer of 2008 with me/the kids and her bitching at them for not playing certain sports that make a lot of money (golf), and bitching at them for walking in front of a glass door that scared a cat outside, and telling them that they need to visit her without me as they would have more fun…….she also told them something else as we were getting ready to leave. 

The story about my ex-step-father is a long one.  But pivotal to where I am today. 

I continued and told her that what she said in front of the kids and me has really made things clear.  What she said to the kids that day in 2008 after I told her I didn’t appreciate having ex-step-father drop by un-announced: “The ex-step-father is a nice man.  Your mother is the one with the problem.”

Back to our conversation….She said, “If that is the worst thing I ever said to you, then my mom (GM) has said much worse things to me.”

I told her we were going to have to agree that we are never going to see eye to eye and that we will disagree.  I also said a couple times during the conversation that I did not cause this situation.

She tells me that we should do one of two things.  Either (1) see a counselor together, or (2) go on a vacation together for a few days and talk it out (I almost LOL’d). 

Years and years ago I thought to myself that she and I should do counseling.  I thought she was the way she was as an adult child of an alcoholic and got books on it and felt bad for her childhood.  But now I know what my DH has always told me—that she will never change and can’t be reasoned with and all I can do is change how I want to deal with her.

I said, “Well, option 2 is not going to happen.”

Toward the end she mentioned how she wants to hear from the kids once in a while and how hard can it be to make some calls on Sunday night and also to call GM, and she says, “She is leaving them money (in her will) so the least they can do is call her on a Sunday.”

And then her cell phone died.  She must have plugged it in because pretty soon she left me a vm: “I did not hang up, my phone died.  I just wanted to say that you only have one mother, so remember that.  Give it some thought.”

At no time in our conversation did she ask me one word about what I am up to.  At no time did she ask one word about how her grandkids are.

I Should Have Been More Prepared

Two weeks ago my grandmother (GM)  had an elective surgery--I don't think she should have but she is a tough one.  We (the 5 of us) had a really good visit with her last summer.  She lives 10 hours away.  My NM lives 15 miles from her during the months of Nov-April.  They have always had a volatile relationship.  My NM bosses her around but my NM has always asked to borrow $$ from my GM.  During the last few years, my NM lives in another state during the months of May-Oct. in a house with her "fiance".  My NM had told my GM that if she wanted to visit NM then she would have to put in 1/3 (cash) of the house they were buying.  And then my GM lived there with them during the summer (she can't drive and uses a cane or walker but can cook for herself).  The summer of 2009 my NM was so verbally abusive that DH and I drove up to get her (my NM left for the day) and get her back home.  Fortunately my GM is a very smart lady and years ago took out long term insurance so that she would have a home health care person come over.  So she lives alone but has a lady come over for 5 hours 5 days a week to drive her to doctors, grocery store, etc.

GM mailed me a key to her home right before her surgery and made sure I knew the name of the hospital.  During the past couple of years GM knows that I keep to myself regarding my NM and she has of course seen for herself my NM's abusive words and her rages and her using people.  I believe that my GM has some sort of version of NPD.    My NM (only child) never felt loved by my GM.  I am 100% certain that my GM never felt loved by her mom (I knew my great GM--the women in my family UNTIL ME had a girl baby at age 21 so there were many generations until I broke that chain).  In fact, my Great GM had my GM and then later had 2 boys and made it obvious she loved those boys more--she sent my GM away to Europe to live in a convent from ages 9 - 12).

My GM knew that she needed my NM's help during the surgery and rehab time.  I believe that my NM has been doing quite the number on my GM as far as saying things about me.  GM has always confirmed this in the years past with examples that turn my blood cold and made me realize these last 2 years that my NM does not love me the way I know love is.

So, my GM had her surgery.  Note to self: even though the plane tickets were $500and even though I could not get much vacation time, I should have driven the 10 hours as I have a decent car to spend a long weekend because anything could have happened.  The day after her surgery--I could not believe it--I got an email from my NM, "GM had her surgery.  It was 3.5 hours long.  She is OK.  I will be moving her to a skilled nursing center (note: this was always the plan for her rehab) in a few days.  Not sure which one--it depends on the availability."

I replied back "That was a very long time to be under.  Thanks for letting me know how she did."

And then I had to fly across the country for work for a couple of days.  On my way back home I called the hospital but couldn't reach GM.  I called the skilled nursing facility nearby--she wasn't there.  I emailed my NM asking which facility GM is at.  She emailed me back the next day, "GM had a heart attack a couple days after her surgery and so she has been in ICU but she is in a regular room at the hospital now." (freak out and panic).

I called the hospital and spoke to GM.  I hate that a doc did her surgery at her age.  She was still herself (note to self: she could have had a stroke and not be able to speak.  I should have driven to see her and screw my job).  So she was still herself (the heart attack was mild) but the anesthesia is of course horrendous on a body--esp. an 89 yr old body, and her surgery on her leg left her with an incision.  And we talked for about 20 mins and she even asked about her great grandkids (my kids).  I know she was hurt that I hadn't called sooner.  She has mentioned several times that my NM has been good about visiting her and taking her to the hospital.  She mentions sometimes how my NM is her only daughter.  She then told me she doesn't like it that NM and I aren't talking to each other.  I have told her many times previously that I don't want her to worry about that.  I have also told her that she says mean things and doesn't respect me and says ugly things about me in front of the kids, which was the final straw.  So there in the hospital she comes out and says, "What did she do?"  Well, I am not about to tell my sore, recuperating 89 yr old GM everything.  But for the first time from her (and I don't begrudge her--she is old and in pain) I am hearing that she doesn't like how it is with me and NM and by telling me that she only has one daughter, she is telling me that I only have one mother. 

It always in the end comes back to me.  And then I called my NM.

My Grandma (the Kids' Great Grandma) is our only link

One of my kids had a birthday last month and my NM is resorting to trying to buy attention with a gift.  Rather than ever ask my kids what they would like for a b-day she often will send something that was pricey but not anything they want.  Or she is inconsistent.  Last summer she was mad because I was not changing my mind about having the kids visit her without me.  My child that had a summer b-day received $10.

The child who had the birthday a few weeks ago received $50.  \Written on the birthday card was a note that stated to all the kids, "Kids, it takes two to have a relationship.  Grandma desires a relationship.  So call me or email me, let's say every two weeks."  My youngest looked at the card and said, "She never even wrote Happy Birthday in it."

The kids' other Grandma (normal) has many grandchildren and to keep things equitable always sends a check for $20 (with a note asking them how they are doing, etc.).  To be real, I have to say that the kids certainly don't wake up any given day and call this grandma.  But this grandma is normal and knows that is not usually what many kids do.

Obviously, my kids get nothing out of calling my NM.  But my middle child called her to say thanks for the check.  He told me she lectured about the lack of calling her.  He told me he actually put the phone down during this.

In the meantime I don't contact her at all and have not had a phone conversation in 11 months.  She also sent them Valentine gifts.  They are from Target so perhaps we can take them back.  One item was a pocket knife.  What if I had rules about pocket knives?  Another was a game for the Wii.  She is having money issues and does not need to be sending things they don't want.

In my NM's mind I am the reason that the kids have no interest in speaking with her.  I got a brief email the other day, "Why am I not hearing from the kids?  As a daughter you are very hurtful to me."

I practically laughed out loud.  Me hurting her?  She has hurt me so bad that I am not interested in ever speaking again.  I could have answered and outlined again the horrible things she has said.

But she is getting back at me in a big way.  She lives near my grandmother  (they are a 10 hour drive from me), whom she verbally abused--in fact so badly one summer that I had to drive and get grandma and drive her home to her permanent house.  My NM and grandma bought a summer home together--my NM wanted it and my G'ma is the one with cash so my NM told her that she couldn't visit this summer home unless she put up her share of the cost to buy the house... To give you more info, that summer my NM tells me in front of G'ma, "I never dreamed I'd still be having to make arrangements with her at my age (meaning why the hell is she still kicking at age 89?).

But now grandma is having surgery in a few days and my NM has told her that if my NM is to take her to hospital and then help her with her affairs while she is recuping, then my NM needs to be guaranteed of a few things.  So off to grandma's attorney they went so that my grandma could assure her that she is getting just about everything.  A couple years ago my grandma was hurt so bad she swore she was changing her will, etc.  My NM has counted on inheriting grandma's properties and is frankly not pleased that grandma is now 90 years old.  My grandma is not "perfect", in fact she may have her own N-ness.

Grandma is our connecting link.  If Grandma's surgery does not go well I am sure that my nm "will fix me" by not keeping me informed.  It will be up to me to contact the hospital and then stay connected afterwards by calling her at the convalescent home.  Grandma gave me just a week's notice about her impending surgery and the flights were almost $500; I am not happy that I didn't visit her now, but will be visiting in April.

Grandma's assets have been coveted by my NM for ....forever.  When grandma passes away and my NM gets just about everything (which is fine with me--I am used to no accolades for my ability to have a good, 23 year marriage and maintain a career and have three nice children and do fine).....I hope she uses everything she inherits wisely because we will no longer have a link and there will be no reason for us to ever have a conversation.  There is no need for us to have a conversation now, but in my mind that is when I can officially cut her off.  I learned over the past week or so that I have a lot of hatred and disgust.

Strong Memory of Being Used

I have a memory of something cruel that my mom did to me that I have thought of often.  I may sound like a broken record, but as a mother of a 12 year old I cannot imagine my DH or me doing anything even close to this to one of our children.

When I was about 5 we lived in an apt (my NM, brother and me) and my NM made friends with another single mom.  A few years later my NM remarried and we moved to another state and lived in a posh house with lots of room and this friend of my mother’s was down and out and came to live with us for a month or two.  She had a daughter who was about 5 at this time and I was about 9.

A few years later we were located back in the same state (NM had divorced hubby #2) and my NM had done well for herself with her own business.  I was 13 years old, maybe even close to 14—I am horrified as I write this.  My NM and this friend were not close anymore and as I learned later this friend had asked my NM to borrow some money and my NM had refused.

Well, my NM and I were at a restaurant and I have no idea if this friend knew it and came by—those details aren’t clear, but no way was it coincidental—it was a very large town, and their friendship had been mostly phone because they didn’t live super close to each other.

Well, my NM put on a big air and acted pretty snotty as this friend stood next to our table.  Then my mom says that I had been to Italy that summer (on some sort of an exchange program).  A big fat lie!!!  Always the protector of my mother……I just sat there.  And didn’t deny it.  My NM’s friend stood there and looked at me (you could tell she was assessing the situation).  I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that this was a blatant lie.  This friend was originally from that country – what if she asked me what cities I’d been to??  What if she asked me something in her original language?  I don’t think I ever met her gaze.  She just asked me if I had a good time.  I said yes.  She was cordial and went on her way.  I don’t remember any explanation from my NM later.  I only picked up later from other conversations that for some reason my NM didn’t like this friend anymore. 

I realize that I still feel bad about that and regret it.

It Was Easier When She Was NC, But Now I'm Gonna Have To Deal

So here is where we are at when the daughter (me) of a NM doesn’t realize until her 40’s that her mom is an NM, and the daughter has teen/pre-teen age children who realize that grandma is a wackadoodle, and the daughter really prefers it when the NM does not contact the daughter or the children, and how the daughter does not deal with it or respond; instead the daughter prefers to not even think of the NM, but to keep busy and enjoy her family of 5.

With that being said, let’s catch up since the Christmas card that was sent to the kids in early December.  She wrote a note to the kids to buy them a plane ticket if they wanted to visit.  I had heard from my grandmother that my NM was peeved that my youngest took a month to send a thank you for a b-day gift in Sept and that she just wasn’t going to send gifts anymore.

So I knew the mention of a plane ticket was just words—she knows I won’t put them on a plane.  She knows I won’t leave them with her.  She knows why I am justified in this.

Well, Christmas got closer and then of course I felt bad that she would not even have a card so what did I do?  I mailed her a card and in it were a few photos (she hasn’t seen them in 20 months) and a newsy letter written by each of them about school, Christmas break so far, what sports they are doing, etc.

The week after Christmas, a glorious, relaxing time off for me to enjoy the family, a letter arrives addressed to the kids and of course I opened it first because that is what you have to do when you are in my position and have seen wackadoodle stuff written to them before.  Each child had a letter written individually.  I can tell she felt really bad that she did not call or send anything to her only 3 grandkids, and so how did she spin this?  Each child had this sentence in their letter:

“You did not communicate with me prior to Christmas regarding your wish list.  Write back and tell me what you wanted that you did not receive.”

And my youngest got this variation, “I rec’d your letter and photo on Christmas Eve.  But I was out for the evening and I was sad that I had not heard from you.  Then on Christmas Day I went to the mailbox and there was the card and letters.  I was so happy.  I did wish you boys had phoned me or written me sooner with your holiday wish list.”

What crap.  She never asked them for a wish list (by the way they are older but she acts like they are 6) and amazing that she took no responsibility and stated they failed to do something.  Her letters also included some questions about the weather, etc.

And get this.  The letter to my eldest asked him to “be her friend on Facebook.”  I thought those of you reading would get a chuckle out of that since so many of you write about the narcky Facebook antics.  My DH and I do not use Facebook, and it has never been mentioned to my NM so she must have looked around (she just started Facebook and is very inactive.  I know this because I have a fake account that I do not use).  Well, Eldest had no intention of contacting her via Facebook.

Yours truly received a short letter too.  It just mentioned a couple of things she is keeping busy with, including taking care of my grandmother (her mom) if she has an up-coming surgical procedure (they live in the same town and more on this another time).  I actually got a “Love, Mom” at the end.

Then a few days later she called on the home phone that DH and I never use and she said the same thing to them (they tell me everything) about how they did not write her prior to Christmas about some gift ideas.  And she asked them to email her and gave them her email address (my kids do not have their own email as DH and I do not believe in kids needing that kind of privacy).

Then for a few days I had dreams about her, which I had previously managed to not have in a long, long time.  As I see these letters and hear what she says, I know this is not right and needs to be dealt with.  She needs to not bypass me and have access to the kids like this.  She needs to be reminded of why I am not into her anymore.  And this means I have to deal with her.  Most of all it means I need to be a better mother regarding this situation to my kids.