I have a memory of something cruel that my mom did to me that I have thought of often. I may sound like a broken record, but as a mother of a 12 year old I cannot imagine my DH or me doing anything even close to this to one of our children.
When I was about 5 we lived in an apt (my NM, brother and me) and my NM made friends with another single mom. A few years later my NM remarried and we moved to another state and lived in a posh house with lots of room and this friend of my mother’s was down and out and came to live with us for a month or two. She had a daughter who was about 5 at this time and I was about 9.
A few years later we were located back in the same state (NM had divorced hubby #2) and my NM had done well for herself with her own business. I was 13 years old, maybe even close to 14—I am horrified as I write this. My NM and this friend were not close anymore and as I learned later this friend had asked my NM to borrow some money and my NM had refused.
Well, my NM and I were at a restaurant and I have no idea if this friend knew it and came by—those details aren’t clear, but no way was it coincidental—it was a very large town, and their friendship had been mostly phone because they didn’t live super close to each other.
Well, my NM put on a big air and acted pretty snotty as this friend stood next to our table. Then my mom says that I had been to Italy that summer (on some sort of an exchange program). A big fat lie!!! Always the protector of my mother……I just sat there. And didn’t deny it. My NM’s friend stood there and looked at me (you could tell she was assessing the situation). I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that this was a blatant lie. This friend was originally from that country – what if she asked me what cities I’d been to?? What if she asked me something in her original language? I don’t think I ever met her gaze. She just asked me if I had a good time. I said yes. She was cordial and went on her way. I don’t remember any explanation from my NM later. I only picked up later from other conversations that for some reason my NM didn’t like this friend anymore.
I realize that I still feel bad about that and regret it.
Don't feel bad about it, you did what you had to do to survive.
ReplyDeleteForgive yourself! I think back on some of the ways I was complicit with the N's lies, and supported their hateful worldview, and shudder. But I was doing the best I could at that time.
So did you! I'm sure that your 13 (or 14 :)) year old self did the best she could.