I Should Have Been More Prepared

Two weeks ago my grandmother (GM)  had an elective surgery--I don't think she should have but she is a tough one.  We (the 5 of us) had a really good visit with her last summer.  She lives 10 hours away.  My NM lives 15 miles from her during the months of Nov-April.  They have always had a volatile relationship.  My NM bosses her around but my NM has always asked to borrow $$ from my GM.  During the last few years, my NM lives in another state during the months of May-Oct. in a house with her "fiance".  My NM had told my GM that if she wanted to visit NM then she would have to put in 1/3 (cash) of the house they were buying.  And then my GM lived there with them during the summer (she can't drive and uses a cane or walker but can cook for herself).  The summer of 2009 my NM was so verbally abusive that DH and I drove up to get her (my NM left for the day) and get her back home.  Fortunately my GM is a very smart lady and years ago took out long term insurance so that she would have a home health care person come over.  So she lives alone but has a lady come over for 5 hours 5 days a week to drive her to doctors, grocery store, etc.

GM mailed me a key to her home right before her surgery and made sure I knew the name of the hospital.  During the past couple of years GM knows that I keep to myself regarding my NM and she has of course seen for herself my NM's abusive words and her rages and her using people.  I believe that my GM has some sort of version of NPD.    My NM (only child) never felt loved by my GM.  I am 100% certain that my GM never felt loved by her mom (I knew my great GM--the women in my family UNTIL ME had a girl baby at age 21 so there were many generations until I broke that chain).  In fact, my Great GM had my GM and then later had 2 boys and made it obvious she loved those boys more--she sent my GM away to Europe to live in a convent from ages 9 - 12).

My GM knew that she needed my NM's help during the surgery and rehab time.  I believe that my NM has been doing quite the number on my GM as far as saying things about me.  GM has always confirmed this in the years past with examples that turn my blood cold and made me realize these last 2 years that my NM does not love me the way I know love is.

So, my GM had her surgery.  Note to self: even though the plane tickets were $500and even though I could not get much vacation time, I should have driven the 10 hours as I have a decent car to spend a long weekend because anything could have happened.  The day after her surgery--I could not believe it--I got an email from my NM, "GM had her surgery.  It was 3.5 hours long.  She is OK.  I will be moving her to a skilled nursing center (note: this was always the plan for her rehab) in a few days.  Not sure which one--it depends on the availability."

I replied back "That was a very long time to be under.  Thanks for letting me know how she did."

And then I had to fly across the country for work for a couple of days.  On my way back home I called the hospital but couldn't reach GM.  I called the skilled nursing facility nearby--she wasn't there.  I emailed my NM asking which facility GM is at.  She emailed me back the next day, "GM had a heart attack a couple days after her surgery and so she has been in ICU but she is in a regular room at the hospital now." (freak out and panic).

I called the hospital and spoke to GM.  I hate that a doc did her surgery at her age.  She was still herself (note to self: she could have had a stroke and not be able to speak.  I should have driven to see her and screw my job).  So she was still herself (the heart attack was mild) but the anesthesia is of course horrendous on a body--esp. an 89 yr old body, and her surgery on her leg left her with an incision.  And we talked for about 20 mins and she even asked about her great grandkids (my kids).  I know she was hurt that I hadn't called sooner.  She has mentioned several times that my NM has been good about visiting her and taking her to the hospital.  She mentions sometimes how my NM is her only daughter.  She then told me she doesn't like it that NM and I aren't talking to each other.  I have told her many times previously that I don't want her to worry about that.  I have also told her that she says mean things and doesn't respect me and says ugly things about me in front of the kids, which was the final straw.  So there in the hospital she comes out and says, "What did she do?"  Well, I am not about to tell my sore, recuperating 89 yr old GM everything.  But for the first time from her (and I don't begrudge her--she is old and in pain) I am hearing that she doesn't like how it is with me and NM and by telling me that she only has one daughter, she is telling me that I only have one mother. 

It always in the end comes back to me.  And then I called my NM.