One of my kids had a birthday last month and my NM is resorting to trying to buy attention with a gift. Rather than ever ask my kids what they would like for a b-day she often will send something that was pricey but not anything they want. Or she is inconsistent. Last summer she was mad because I was not changing my mind about having the kids visit her without me. My child that had a summer b-day received $10.
The child who had the birthday a few weeks ago received $50. \Written on the birthday card was a note that stated to all the kids, "Kids, it takes two to have a relationship. Grandma desires a relationship. So call me or email me, let's say every two weeks." My youngest looked at the card and said, "She never even wrote Happy Birthday in it."
The kids' other Grandma (normal) has many grandchildren and to keep things equitable always sends a check for $20 (with a note asking them how they are doing, etc.). To be real, I have to say that the kids certainly don't wake up any given day and call this grandma. But this grandma is normal and knows that is not usually what many kids do.
Obviously, my kids get nothing out of calling my NM. But my middle child called her to say thanks for the check. He told me she lectured about the lack of calling her. He told me he actually put the phone down during this.
In the meantime I don't contact her at all and have not had a phone conversation in 11 months. She also sent them Valentine gifts. They are from Target so perhaps we can take them back. One item was a pocket knife. What if I had rules about pocket knives? Another was a game for the Wii. She is having money issues and does not need to be sending things they don't want.
In my NM's mind I am the reason that the kids have no interest in speaking with her. I got a brief email the other day, "Why am I not hearing from the kids? As a daughter you are very hurtful to me."
I practically laughed out loud. Me hurting her? She has hurt me so bad that I am not interested in ever speaking again. I could have answered and outlined again the horrible things she has said.
But she is getting back at me in a big way. She lives near my grandmother (they are a 10 hour drive from me), whom she verbally abused--in fact so badly one summer that I had to drive and get grandma and drive her home to her permanent house. My NM and grandma bought a summer home together--my NM wanted it and my G'ma is the one with cash so my NM told her that she couldn't visit this summer home unless she put up her share of the cost to buy the house... To give you more info, that summer my NM tells me in front of G'ma, "I never dreamed I'd still be having to make arrangements with her at my age (meaning why the hell is she still kicking at age 89?).
But now grandma is having surgery in a few days and my NM has told her that if my NM is to take her to hospital and then help her with her affairs while she is recuping, then my NM needs to be guaranteed of a few things. So off to grandma's attorney they went so that my grandma could assure her that she is getting just about everything. A couple years ago my grandma was hurt so bad she swore she was changing her will, etc. My NM has counted on inheriting grandma's properties and is frankly not pleased that grandma is now 90 years old. My grandma is not "perfect", in fact she may have her own N-ness.
Grandma is our connecting link. If Grandma's surgery does not go well I am sure that my nm "will fix me" by not keeping me informed. It will be up to me to contact the hospital and then stay connected afterwards by calling her at the convalescent home. Grandma gave me just a week's notice about her impending surgery and the flights were almost $500; I am not happy that I didn't visit her now, but will be visiting in April.
Grandma's assets have been coveted by my NM for ....forever. When grandma passes away and my NM gets just about everything (which is fine with me--I am used to no accolades for my ability to have a good, 23 year marriage and maintain a career and have three nice children and do fine).....I hope she uses everything she inherits wisely because we will no longer have a link and there will be no reason for us to ever have a conversation. There is no need for us to have a conversation now, but in my mind that is when I can officially cut her off. I learned over the past week or so that I have a lot of hatred and disgust.
Yoy, you weren't kidding. I'm not sure which is worse - couching the insults in "concernstipation" or just coming out and saying the hurtful things. At least with the latter, especially if written, you have pretty objective evidence of the abuse, no matter what tactics your NM may use to deny it.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe how terrible your NM is about trying to make your children feel bad! I can't believe she says those things to them and sends cards like that.
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you recognize how your NM will likely leave you uninformed of your grandmother's condition, and that you've made plans to call the hospital yourself for information.
I hope your grandmother's surgery goes well. Your NM will probably be in for a shock when your grandma does pass, however, and you have no need to ever communicate with her again.
When that day comes, will you still allow the kids to receive phone calls and cards from her?
This is my first time here and I read this post with utter disgust and it sounded very familiar. I have no relationship with my G'ma but the part about your NM and how she deals with your kids. It's unbelievable to me. My NM behaves somewhat similarly but talks behind my back and drops "subtle" snarky comments about me keeping my kids from her when in reality she wants no relationship with my kids. She has passed up multiple opportunities to spend time with them when I've offered on their days off from school. And frankly, at ages 10 & 12 going to her house is boring to them. And you are so right, most kids don't think to call their grandma. I don't know why I thought she'd treat my kids any better than she treated her own. I hope your grandma's surgery goes well.
ReplyDeleteThese medical situations really bring the worst to the fore. Thinking of you, stay strong, you're a good mom.
ReplyDeletexo
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