Friday, August 19, 2011

This Summer I've Only Dealt with What Matters Most

Since my last post after I was laid off from work I've been on an awesome road trip, another family trip to see many nice in-laws, visited my 90-yr-old GM for 5 days, doing things with the kids every day, and looking for the right job for me.

What I have not done is communicate with my mother.  I know she thinks I am the most horrible daughter in the world.

After I superficially visited with her in April when I took my two youngest children to see GM, as I suspected, she assumed that since we visited we would once again talk on the phone and I'd be her dutiful daughter and engage in conversation and insist that my kids call her on a regular basis, which of course would lead to her asking again for me to do the right thing and have the grandkids visit her.

Since April she's emailed me in May pointing out that she had not heard from me, nor rec'd a call from the kids and has no idea what she has done to have me avoiding her.

In the beginning of the summer my family and I went on a road trip and I emailed photo of the kids to her.  It was my b-day around that time and she left me a vm wishing me a nice day.

In July she left me a vm that was lots of sentences about how she had only received the one photo, has not heard from the kids, suggests we go camping near her and maybe camp together (!!!), thought that the kids could call her on Sundays as she had suggested, etc.  No return call from me.

A few weeks ago she called and I let it go to vm.  I have no idea what she said as I have never once listened to it.  The older I get, listening to her voice does not get easier.

Earlier in the summer when we returned from vacation there was a b-day card waiting for me.  My NM never says she loves me and never writes it.  When I mentioned to her on the phone this past March that she doesn't even like me, she made no effort to correct me.

It's so evident in the b-day card she selected that all that matters is "the rules" on mother/daughter roles.

On the front of the card it is printed:

Love You, daughter (with flowers and rhinestones on front)

On the inside it is printed:

I loved you before you were born.  And I'll love you forever and a day.

That's how it is with a mother and her daughter.
Happy Birthday

And then she signs it: Mom

I think it would have been OK if it stopped before "That's how it is with a mother and her daughter".

because we are not your middle of the road mother and daughter.  This is saying to me that because of biology a mother loves a daughter.  I bet the words on this card would mean something different to a hundred other daughters.  Oh, I could go on and on.

Deep down inside this week I have been feeling guilty that I have not sent her any photos or any updates of what we're up to.  I think it would be easy to keep us artificial and email photos of the kids.  But then the requests and cajoling for them visiting (without me) would begin.  I have not shared that I am job hunting because she would state that then I have the free time to visit with the kids.  I do talk to my grandmother every week and even stayed with her in July, and I know that my GM relays who she talks to to my NM.

So that is where I am.  Close to landing a job, and starting to feel the stirrings of having to once again address with my NM as to why I am just not that into her.


  1. Just a suggestion. Don't waste your breath with your NM. She knows why and is trampling your boundaries. For sure don't let her within a 100 miles of your kids!

    Good luck with the job hunt!

  2. keep strong, keep focused, live in the here and now. xx Good luck with the job hunting!

  3. that card is creepy. did a narcissistic mom over at hallmark write that?
    there's been some entries about grandiose statements like that, it brings to mind
    i think, would sum up my feelings about it.
    thanks, card, for dictating to me what love is. i wasn't aware and needed you to spell it out for me.

    note: DO NOT GO BACK. she doesn't need to know. you KNOW she sucks. when i first started out my NC i was attacked by familiar pangs of doubt and guilt over my actions. after a couple of months, i finally went back and listen to a couple of the VMs they left me. listening to them, i suddenly felt a great satisfaction. they think i couldn't do it. they think i can't or wont do it. they think they can whine or bitch or complain or play pity party and all of it is with some belief that can have me and i can hang around and i can't survive on my own without them, just like 'always'. they were so totally wrong about me and the whole fact that they're sitting there still braying at me like donkeys with sticks up their asses shows how they don't know me at all. they think acting sorry or apologizing is going to make up for the shit they did and the lines they crossed. they think it's going to work again. i realized its THEM. they crossed the line. i almost laughed, i felt so happy. and a smug satisfaction that, bitch, you crossed the line and now you're damn well paying for it. you guys are totally stupid. it feels good to finally hold them accountable, to fight back and have my revenge. this is because of THEM. they did this. you know? i'm like saying to them, well what'd ya think would happen! hah

  4. I like your title. Only dealing with what matters most. You are choosing what works for you right now. I am hoping that job comes through for you. Glad to hear you have a good relationship with your GM. Hardest thing for me was to realize that my NM's problems had almost nothing to do with me. I just have to sort through the fall out. I am so impressed with how concerned you are for your kids and their well being. Seems to me that you know what your priorities are already.