Review of the communication with my NM over the past couple of months: my NM had requested in August that she visit during a certain weekend in Sept which wasn't good for us, and then she and her "fiance" traveled back to their winter home in Nov. This traveling takes place very near to our home but she never stops (said in past she doesn't like the busy roads near us). They are now about a 10 hour drive away.
Then Thanksgiving arrived and there was no phone call made by either of us.
Yesterday a card arrived in the mail addressed to the kids and I opened it. It was a Christmas card with this note written in it:
"Between December 20 and January 3rd, I will buy 1, 2 or 3 round trip plane tickets from (your town) to (my town). Let me know asap."
WTH?
Now, in the past she has asked for the kids to be put on a plane to visit here. I have always said no. I think she has always previously thought what I meant is that they are too young (they're now ages 14, 12 and 9). Also, you may find it interesting that in the past she has asked for 1 or 2 kids to visit during the summer or whenever (as in 3 kids is too many).
However, over the past 18 months or so, I have let her know via 2 emails that the kids will not be visiting her alone and why. So she is writing to them directly in a Christmas card. As if they are going to read that note and then say YES!--Mom I want to go!
My kids are getting older. They work hard in school and want to hang out at home. We won't even get into how hard I have been working and the week between C-mas and New Years will be my time off with them to do things. The kids have been extremely busy the past two days with friends and events--when they see the card they'll say, Um, no.
I showed the card to DH. He shook his head and we talked about crazy this was. I am finally aware of how wrong it is to try and address minor kids without acknowledging me. I've been wanting to have a family meeting with the kids to address the elephant together. We're gonna have a family meeting tonight about the card and NM.
Whoa. I would be P.O.'d to say the least. Talk about lack of respect for your family and total selfishness on her part. I don't even know what else to say. I'd reply back and tell her your family has made it's own plans. Perhaps she can fly herself someplace else...like off a short pier!
ReplyDeleteBoundary invasion, not respecting / acknowledging that you're an autonomous individual who makes her own decisions, entitlement (acts as if they have a right to tell you what to do - the wording assumes you'll have no objection or conflict with this plan)... I could go on.
ReplyDeleteAnd I will! Note the bogus "asap" that attempts to manipulate you into responding right away.
What an objectionable communication.
I'm so glad my kids are too young right now, 'cause I'm sure my mom will attempt to do the exact same thing. Since DW and I are a united front, the only way to circumnavigate that boundary is to go to the kids directly. It's rubbish. I feel for you, WRB.
ReplyDeleteIt is VERY backhanded and undermining to go around you , the parents, regarding something that affects the whole family. They don't get it. They only think about themselves. My Nm and Nsis do the same thing in our family. It is more of a struggle for me because my children are in their 20's now and I feel like I can't say much without coming off as being petty and bitter. It's a struggle this time of year for sure.
ReplyDeleteI think the family meeting is very mature idea. When thinking while reading this, how I would respond, this was not one of the options that came to mind . I don't have children by the way, and I would be so alarmed if I did and either of the donors contacted them this way.
ReplyDeleteI was really disgusted by your NMs tone. 'I will'... a complete disregard of your authority as the children's parents. I like your approach with the kids, I hope the meeting with them goes well and it helps erase some of the confusion regarding your NM.
ReplyDeleteI gave the card in its envelope that I had opened to the kids at dinner. The eldest read it out loud. They exclaimed, "What? Get on a plane without you?? During our whole break??"
ReplyDeleteWe did not have a long or deep family discussion this time, but they did express they want no part of going there alone.
I think I should send her a holiday card with a reminder of some sort.
Thanks for your comments!! It helps when I can re-read it from your points of view. She is trying to sound like the fun grandma who offers lots of fun if I'm not around. I'm thinking she didn't really expect me to comply but she offered anyway rather than sending them a check. I think it is an empty offering.
I'm just catching up, WRB, but this is very pushy to say the least! No means no, but somehow they keep trying to re-negotiate the terms to suit themselves.
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