Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Who Else Would Do This To Their Teenager?

My DH and I spend so much of our time thinking about our kids, talking to them, and talking to each other about them.  And even though we are in our late 40's we clearly remember what it is like to be a teen--that it is not easy-- and just the other day I had a empathetic discussion with our 15 year old, who was sharing his thoughts.  Talking to our kids and to DH about things that are teenage-realm related has brought up many memories of mine that I must write about to help process.

From 7th through 12th grade I went to a small, private school (and my NM sent me there as a status thing for her, but I am very glad I went there as it is part of who I am and I still have close friends all these years later).  At school we wore a uniform of a plaid skirt and a white, button-up top.  It was an all-girls school.  Occasionally there'd be a dance.  My NM was very strict (she was the ruler in the house and had a long-term boyfriend and after years they eventually married the month I turned 18) and I didn't socialize on weekends as much as most teens did.

When I was 15 or 16 there was a fall dance and my brother may have driven me to the school dance and it was casual, mostly hanging out with my friends and guys we knew that were invited.  I think that my brother hung out too as he was fun and my friends liked him platonically and vice versa.  Later, around 11:00 p.m. or so my NM showed up, which I think was a surprise because I don't think it was set up that she'd pick me up.  And fortunately, at this time there were NOT a lot of kids left at school.  I was in the parking lot--along with just a girlfriend or two.

My NM hops out of the car DRESSED IN MY SCHOOL UNIFORM.  And as if she is acting in a play she says loudly, but to no one in particular, "HI! I'm here for the dance!" and she is sort of jumping up and down in a perky way, playing her role of a school girl.

My NM was 35 or 36 years old at the time and was a successful (self-employed) business person..  She did not do drugs or alcohol.  It was fucked up and freaky.  I can't remember if I went home with her or if my brother was still there and I went home with him.  I do know that I did not react and left very quickly on the down low.  I do know that it was not discussed after that night or if it was then it was brushed off saying that she was just having fun and I never confronted her about it being inappropriate.

I cannot EVEN imagine sitting home as the parent and deciding to "have fun" and go into my child's closet and try on her school uniform and then drive to a school dance (mind you the school was not in the neighborhood--it was a 25 minute drive at best) dressed up in my child's school uniform. 

It is so apparent now how this is an example of how she did not think of me as a separate person.


  1. Freaky sick, OMG!!! It's a miracle you survived such a loon for a mother!!

    I loved reading how you and DH lovingly interact with your kids...refreshing! You guys are smashing the he*l out of the abuse cycle you grew up in:D

    Are you still in contact with the girls who witnessed her whako behavior that time? Do you recall what they said when "it" happened? Did any other *REAL* parents see your NM's display of insanity?

    Hope your week goes perfectly...you deserve to replace this ICKY memory with something splendid:D

  2. Creepy! Mainly, I'm just speechless!

  3. Ahhh that is awful! I can't imagine doing that to my kids! It's like she was so proud of herself that the uniform actually fit that she had to show it off or something. Definitely inappropriate!

  4. I suspect it messes with your mind when a memory of your own parent sounds like something out of a bad grade B movie. You are doing things way differently. Go you.

  5. Oh wow. That sounds *so* like a Narcissist. They're very weird in that they have no boundaries, and no sense (or common sense) about what is and is not appropriate behavior. I feel for you.

    I think they often see what their kids are doing and think it's okay for them to use their things / invade their space and hobbies; it's like their line of thinking is, "You're my object, and therefore all you do and have is also mine." Often, as a result of their not having sense about generational differences, their invasions / boundary crossings are pathetic to see unfold. (Hope that isn't too harsh - not talking about your mom here, thinking about my own experiences.)

    Thanks for sharing this, it really rings true for me. Aren't you glad you survived? :)


    That is unbelievably creepy.
    And yet so very, very typical of the N.

    Enmeshment to the nth degree.

    Congrats on stopping the cycle of crazy!

  7. Complete enmeshment and ridiculous attention seeking. The intention was to try to steal what You had, youth, fun, potential, for herself. To own your life, and invalidate you:(

    There is someone in my extended family who is like this!xx

  8. I think that Ns become jealous of youth, particularly when their children become teens. When they go out, the attention isn't on them anymore, but on their kids. They seem to have to 'prove' that they 'still have it', in one form or another and upstage their children. My NM also did this competing nonsense, in different forms. PWC is right, they think that they can simply co-opt our lives because they view their children as objects.