Visit with My NM

The last 5 weeks have been way high up on the stress charts.  It has taken me several weeks to just let some time pass.

I wanted to make the long drive to visit my grandmother with 2 of my 3 children during their spring break (the oldest had some sports tournaments and DH stayed home too).  We left on a Saturday and drove back on a Tuesday.  Eleven hours there and 10 hours back.  My GM had elective hip surgery in early March and my NM lives near her approx. Nov-April.  After the surgery I spoke to my NM as described in the last post, for the first time in a year.  I can honestly say I do not shake anymore while speaking with her as a result of learning so much about NPD this past year and also hearing the words on your blogs.  When I speak to her now or listen to her it is less personal, and more as if I am listening to a “case”.  And then later it affects me and I have to sort through it.

Believe it or not I enjoyed the drive and we made lots of stops and had fun.  For the first night we stayed with an old friend of mine, who knows everything about my family, and she adores our kids and my DH (who was very happy to be home and work on spring yard projects).

I did not call my NM to tell her I was coming—I would have had to hear all about how I should stay with her (!!) or what time to see her or my GM together (GM is at a skilled nursing home getting physical therapy care).  I did call my GM and told her we’d see her Sunday afternoon, the next day.

It was very nice to relax, sleep in and catch up with my friend and go out to breakfast the next day and shop for a few things for GM.  That afternoon as we drove the 30 mins to see GM I called my NM.  I told her we were in town because the kids had a few days off and that we were seeing GM for the next couple of hours.  I had asked the kids if she invited us over what they wanted to do.  I don’t let my kids make adult decisions, but we were on this trip together and they know what is going on.  But the good thing about being with kids is sometimes their simple answers can cut to the chase.

My NM lives in a community that has some gorgeous pools.  And it was Hot.  The kids said in unison, “We want to swim in her pool.”  So my NM and I kept it brief and she asked that since we would be extremely close to her place after our visit with GM, did we want to come over afterwards and the kids could use the pool.  So I told her that would be fine.

We visited with my GM, for two hours and I was so, SO proud of my good boys.  It was hot, they had to share one chair, they were bored but not one time on the way down, or visiting with GM or on the drive back did they ever whine or complain.  I’m verklempt just writing about it.

As I mentioned in my last post, my GM had begun to ask what is it that my NM did to me.  She is almost 90 yrs old and now frail and now needing my NM who is the only relative that lives near her half of the year, she's been needing my NM to take care of household things.  I had told me GM about the disrespect and the mean stuff, all of which GM knows.  What GM does not know and I will someday write about is my NM's betrayal.  My GM certainly had her list of why she was “done” with my NM two summers ago.  When GM heard that we were heading over to see my NM and have a swim, she said, “That’s nice.”  I brought my kids on this trip to be with me, and have a little fun together (beach) and to see their Great GM and although my NM does not deserve to see me or them, we did spend a couple hours with her.

After visiting with GM I called my NM.  In the back of my mind I am thinking, “I cannot believe that I am going to be visiting with my NM, who has behaved horribly two summers ago to my GM in their summer home that I had to go rescue her, and that said horrible things about me to my GM that she relayed to me.  Things that made me realize after all these years that my NM doesn’t like me.  There is no way all that venom can spew out about someone (me) and ever think it was ever right to begin with.

We arrived at her place and as I predicted and braced my middle son, she exclaimed over and over how much he had grown.  She had not seen the kids in 2 years.  From May through October she lives only 3 hours from me and the past two years I told her she could visit us but she never did.  She wants them to be with her without me there, but they don’t want to and we parents won’t allow it.

There was no physical touch for me and our body language likely read to each other to make this a grand-kid related visit and nothing else except of course to review all of her financial woes over past 6 months what she has been up to.  So there we were, sitting by the pool.  It was surreal.  But like I said, it was bearable because I know what she is, I know it is not me, I know who I am, and I just made mental notes of the Narc-isms.

When I spoke on the phone a couple weeks prior and we had some very frank words, I did mention some things about how I realize some things even looking back to my childhood.  My NM responded as to I had no clue how bad her childhood was.  So I think my NM is dismissing any of the current issues I have with her and is focusing on that childhood comment.  The only reference we really had during this visit is she said, “Speaking of childhood abuse…” and she mentioned something about her childhood.  I am very calm and parent-like and acknowledged that I know her childhood was the pits.

The only way my NM has known to show the kids she feels for them is to buy them something so she insisted that although it was late she wanted to get them an Easter gift and we went to the big store next door (which worked for me because I bought some toiletry items I needed).

When we said good-bye and she says to me, “Come here, You!” And gives me a long hug.  I did not feel it and I did not reciprocate.  As others have said in their Narc parent blogs, the body does not lie. 

Of course my NM had wanted to know what we were doing the next day.  My NM thought that at some point we would hook up during the day but we did our thing and she did hers. We ended up seeing her for about another 2 hours the next night and I’ll post more about that next.  There were more Narc-isms then and have been some more in the past week.

I’m worn out, flat worn out.  But my kids and DH are the best people I know and I work during the day and drive home to see them again after work like a bat out of hell to get home.