Two Steps Back?

Last year I had no reason to speak to my NM on Mother's Day and this year I felt that obligation gnawing.  Sort of.  This year I saw my NM and had a meal or two because I traveled to see my G'ma.  My NM acted like it was a regular visit to see her and that because we were talking, superficially, over a meal, that she hoped perhaps we'd pick up like things were a couple years ago in which she'd badger me to call her more often, etc.


But I don't feel the same anymore.  Ever since she said horrible things to me and then about me and then never denied when I wrote to her about the lack of respect for me (and gave examples), and her meanness.  My heart feels better when we don't talk.


Things in the "material world? have been tough for my NM this past year and I feel she expects me to be a presence in her life to sooth her, admire her, etc.


After I saw her in early April, I wrote about how she left my G'ma in the nursing facility, no one knows when she will be well enough to leave there, and my NM takes off, a few states away, to be in her summer home.  She drove two days and made it but I didn't call her.


End of April I got this email:

"How are you?  Since we last spoke, I didn't hear from the kids.

Also, I felt bad, I did not hear from you for Easter.  Mom"

I did not respond.

As Mother's Day approached I did not feel right sending her a non-heartfelt Mother's Day card and tried for 10 mins in the store to find a suitable one and gave up. 

Unfortunately that Fear, Obligation, Guilt was there when I woke up on Mother's Day.  After my lunch out with my DH and children, I called her cell #.  My choice is that it was easier for me to be superficial on the phone.  But her cell # was disconnected.  She is in her "summer" home and I called the last # I had for that.  Disconnected.

So I emailed her and wished her a Happy Mother's Day and hoped she had had a good day, and mentioned her cell and house phone numbers I had for her were disconnected.

She sent me an email back the day after Mother's Day and mentioned that she thought she had told everyone she planned to disconnect her cell # and that the home number they have had has been the same for two years (I never called that number.  I had to rescue my G'ma away from her two summers ago and we only emailed each other).  She also stated that she has listed the summer home number in previous cards to the kids (and she provided me with the #s).

She ended her very brief email with this:

"Needless to say, a mother who receives no call or card on Mother's Day feels bad and wonders what she has done to deserve such.  Mom"

I relayed this last night to my DH.  I mentioned how I have given her details in the past of how she has hurt me.  He maintains that she will never get it so why even email her the same feelings again.  (I should just write her back and say, "at least you have kept the same email address").  Honestly, my kids are amazed at how many residences she has had in their short lives.  They know how often I moved by the time I was their ages.


Just two months ago my NM and I had a sort of honest conversation and I stated how she doesn't even like me.  She had no comment.  So....why should I be surprised that she acts surprised that I don't go through the motions of calling her.  She just wants to be called so that she can chat to me and the kids and act all normal and chooses not to give a damn about why I don't feel like it.


Meanwhile, when I spoke to my G'ma the day before Mother's Day she told me she rec'd our card and she liked it and then she says she "got the most beautiful card she has ever received from her daughter (my NM, the one who had to go a few states away to plant her garden).  Sheesh.  My older generations are all into the tangible item.