I've mentioned in previous posts how I am busy from early morning till late at night with my job (for which I'd sometimes have to travel) and with 1 tween and 2 teenage children and dinner and their activities. What I've never written before is how miserable my job made me. Back in the fall of 2008 there were not many job offers after a prior employer was bought by another company--so I took this particular one--and then the economy really took a bad turn. For the past 2+ years it's been said often to be glad one has a job in this economy.
However, I knew the job wasn't the right one for me for a while now. And then I realized that my boss had some N qualities. She worked 24/7 and has one child and here is an actual quote with a laugh she said to me a few months ago about herself, "This parenting thing is interfering with my work life!" Hmmm. Isn't it interesting how once we become enlightened about NPD we have a radar for this. Narc-dar.
With my own NM I have certain responsibilities which makes me feel like I have to do things sometimes as the "right" thing to do. For example, I've had to deal with an illness and recuperation for my grandmother in another state and deal with my NM who was there when we visited-- part of my making a choice as a parent to do the right thing for someone else even though an N was involved.
And having a job that paid the bills (DH and I have equitable job salaries) is another example of what I have to do as part of my role to provide and do what is best as a parent and partner.
However--lately this job was making me sick. I dreaded going there. I was experiencing an incredible amount of stress. I started to job search a couple of months ago, feeling like the economy was in a better place for hiring now than a year ago.
And then 4 days ago I was laid off due to the company restructuring. I was mad that they gave me notice--I had pictured my giving them notice soon.
But after the shock and weepiness during the first 48 hours, in these second 48 hours I have felt happier and healthier than in a long time, and I have been laughing on the phone with friends which has not been the case in a while.
People I don't even know in real life have been kinder to me these past few days than the people I used to see at work every day. Old friends have given me more of their time over the past few days than any of these people I saw every day. I've reached out to business contacts I've known through work and have received empathy, business leads, and encouragement. All of these people know my authentic self.
As ACONs we know that the Ns in our life do not know us, are not interested in knowing us or liking us and cannot empathize and instead make circumstances about them. So,the last person I would share my personal business with is my NM.
Who knows when I will be employed again, but everyone in my family is healthy, our home was not torn apart in a tornado and I am taking this opportunity to be good to myself and spend time with the people who matter most.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I Have a Brother
From the ages of 0 to 22 (when I met my DH and began my life with him), no two years have ever been alike from after age 4. Sometimes we lived on the west coast, a little bit on the east coast, and a couple years in the middle of the country. Sometimes my NM was married. Sometimes we lived in a house vs. an apt. She barely made an income until I was age 11 and then at one point she became very wealthy (her own career/business).
I have a brother two years older, and growing up and we were close. As my NM would tell others (enviously), we were "as thick as thieves". My brother would tell me that we have to stick together. We were close because we had each other during all those years of change. Then, after I got married in my mid-20's our complete different-ness began to show, but the love was always there. I think the biggest bond was knowing we had been through the same family growing up.
We don't talk anymore. Like others I have met through their blogs, there came a point, and for me that was only about two years ago, when my brother (who is bipolar but never maintained a job and has no money for prescription drugs or other help) drew a line in the sand. Looking back he had developed interests in only himself. I became increasingly aware of him using my grandmother, always asking her for $$, being able to live in a rental home she owned and not always paying her, and increasingly speaking to my NM to get her to help him get more $$ from my grandmother and discussing his entitlement he felt he had to a home she owned. This behavior is exactly like my NM.
Finally I told him that I did not agree with his way of thinking. My NM reached out to him and told him she would get him $$. My brother has always been in awe that I have been a responsible, married, working outside the home, mother of three. he says he has no idea how I do it. He also knows that DH and I know all of his episodes of leaving town unannounced to me or anyone, leaving bills behind for innocent families to pay, quitting jobs when he had them less than a year. People always like him. He is smart--he could sell anything. I have always loved him and still do.
Last year he began to repeat words of my NM to me such as, "You don't return calls to your own mother." "You don't drive (you know that 10-hour drive) to visit her with your kids enough." Then when I would call him from the car (my only alone time--it is when I call my best girlfriends), he'd get paranoid and ask why I never called him from home--Did my DH not want me to call him, he'd ask. Absurd. I did not return that call to him. I realize now that my brother is also always about himself. Never asked how I was--just like my NM I could put the phone down and let him go on and on about himself.
And then he rejected me one year ago. He went into a rage that I did not return his call and I think he chose to reject me in lieu of my perceived rejection of him. He left me a screaming vm that I no longer had a brother and then he mailed me a goodbye letter with any photo I'd ever sent to him of my children, and us. He also called my DH a loser. My DH has always been polite to him and would welcome him when through the years my brother would show up with maybe two hours notice to us (except for when he lived in my GM's house for many years, my DH has always been a wanderer).
Sometimes I notice my kids, especially my oldest, resemble him physically, or in his gait, or in his sports interests and it is too bad that my brother is this way and that my kids have one less uncle. I know why he is this way--he had it just as bad as I did growing up and as an adult, being told he is worthless, etc. He was the scapegoat but when I started having kids things shifted and he became golden. As years go on and my GM is getting very old and one day my NM will too, I am sure we will then be forced to talk. I could ask my NM for his phone number...it changes all the time and his jobs and address in different states changes frequently......but right now it is something we don't speak of.
I have a brother two years older, and growing up and we were close. As my NM would tell others (enviously), we were "as thick as thieves". My brother would tell me that we have to stick together. We were close because we had each other during all those years of change. Then, after I got married in my mid-20's our complete different-ness began to show, but the love was always there. I think the biggest bond was knowing we had been through the same family growing up.
We don't talk anymore. Like others I have met through their blogs, there came a point, and for me that was only about two years ago, when my brother (who is bipolar but never maintained a job and has no money for prescription drugs or other help) drew a line in the sand. Looking back he had developed interests in only himself. I became increasingly aware of him using my grandmother, always asking her for $$, being able to live in a rental home she owned and not always paying her, and increasingly speaking to my NM to get her to help him get more $$ from my grandmother and discussing his entitlement he felt he had to a home she owned. This behavior is exactly like my NM.
Finally I told him that I did not agree with his way of thinking. My NM reached out to him and told him she would get him $$. My brother has always been in awe that I have been a responsible, married, working outside the home, mother of three. he says he has no idea how I do it. He also knows that DH and I know all of his episodes of leaving town unannounced to me or anyone, leaving bills behind for innocent families to pay, quitting jobs when he had them less than a year. People always like him. He is smart--he could sell anything. I have always loved him and still do.
Last year he began to repeat words of my NM to me such as, "You don't return calls to your own mother." "You don't drive (you know that 10-hour drive) to visit her with your kids enough." Then when I would call him from the car (my only alone time--it is when I call my best girlfriends), he'd get paranoid and ask why I never called him from home--Did my DH not want me to call him, he'd ask. Absurd. I did not return that call to him. I realize now that my brother is also always about himself. Never asked how I was--just like my NM I could put the phone down and let him go on and on about himself.
And then he rejected me one year ago. He went into a rage that I did not return his call and I think he chose to reject me in lieu of my perceived rejection of him. He left me a screaming vm that I no longer had a brother and then he mailed me a goodbye letter with any photo I'd ever sent to him of my children, and us. He also called my DH a loser. My DH has always been polite to him and would welcome him when through the years my brother would show up with maybe two hours notice to us (except for when he lived in my GM's house for many years, my DH has always been a wanderer).
Sometimes I notice my kids, especially my oldest, resemble him physically, or in his gait, or in his sports interests and it is too bad that my brother is this way and that my kids have one less uncle. I know why he is this way--he had it just as bad as I did growing up and as an adult, being told he is worthless, etc. He was the scapegoat but when I started having kids things shifted and he became golden. As years go on and my GM is getting very old and one day my NM will too, I am sure we will then be forced to talk. I could ask my NM for his phone number...it changes all the time and his jobs and address in different states changes frequently......but right now it is something we don't speak of.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Question For You About Plane Anxiety
I am a horribly anxious flyer on planes and a comment once made to me by a pilot and therapist on a fear of flying board made me wonder if this fits any of you.
I described that I am very fearful of flying as I imagine all sorts of horrible things. That beeping noise heard over the PA several times a flight? I convince myself it is code from the pilot to the flight attendants of imminent danger. Seeing other planes also flying in the distance? I am convinced that it is too crowded out there and air traffic control is sleeping and planes will get too close. Don't even get me started on turbulence. I've been known to gasp out loud. I once met a pilot at a party and I asked him many questions and I truly felt better after listening to him. This was New Year's Eve 2008 and a couple of weeks later a plane hit birds and had to land in the Hudson. So now I worry about fowl as well as wackadoodle, trouble-causing passengers.
Anyway, I received this response from a therapist:
It is true that I did not have a secure childhood, and it is true that I am anxiety-ridden during a flight. It is true that my DH had a secure childhood and he is so relaxed during a flight that he can sleep the whole time (curses!). But it is also true that I worry about everything. Maybe I would worry about the flight even if I had a more secure childhood? And bummer for me, I have had to fly a lot this past year, with more flights planned this summer. I try to remind myself how every day and night thousands of planes are flying in the skies without incident. But just about every time I fly I'm a wreck on the inside and often my limbs are shaking. However I have to fly about every month for work and I will fly a couple times a year for visiting GM and other events here and there.
What do you think? Do any of you have a correlation between your childhood and flying anxiety? Or do you think it is pretty normal for anyone to imagine a disaster could happen on one's flight.
I described that I am very fearful of flying as I imagine all sorts of horrible things. That beeping noise heard over the PA several times a flight? I convince myself it is code from the pilot to the flight attendants of imminent danger. Seeing other planes also flying in the distance? I am convinced that it is too crowded out there and air traffic control is sleeping and planes will get too close. Don't even get me started on turbulence. I've been known to gasp out loud. I once met a pilot at a party and I asked him many questions and I truly felt better after listening to him. This was New Year's Eve 2008 and a couple of weeks later a plane hit birds and had to land in the Hudson. So now I worry about fowl as well as wackadoodle, trouble-causing passengers.
Anyway, I received this response from a therapist:
"We all have some built-in ability to deal with uncertainty. Some of us handle it better than others. We therapists believe it has a lot to do with whether enough feelings of security was built into the relationship between the young child and the caregivers.
Though most of us look back and think of early life as secure, there are major differences which, because we don't have comparative experience, don't recognize. The major difference, we believe, is whether or not the caregivers "tuned in" enough to actually feel what you were feeling. A child who develops in an environment where there is a feeling connection from the caregivers, also feels the connection and develops security.
Fast forward to adulthood. When the feeling connection and the security that comes with it is not solidly established for us, we have anxiety problems. So, we make up for feelings of uncertainty by trying to establish certainty. We use control. We try to take the uncertainty out. Still, we want a way out; an escape route. If we have both control and escape, we feel synthetically secure.
But when flying, these two "security blankets" (control and escape) are taken away. We, thus, are thrown back to only the built in semi-security of early childhood. It isn't enough. We panic."
Though most of us look back and think of early life as secure, there are major differences which, because we don't have comparative experience, don't recognize. The major difference, we believe, is whether or not the caregivers "tuned in" enough to actually feel what you were feeling. A child who develops in an environment where there is a feeling connection from the caregivers, also feels the connection and develops security.
Fast forward to adulthood. When the feeling connection and the security that comes with it is not solidly established for us, we have anxiety problems. So, we make up for feelings of uncertainty by trying to establish certainty. We use control. We try to take the uncertainty out. Still, we want a way out; an escape route. If we have both control and escape, we feel synthetically secure.
But when flying, these two "security blankets" (control and escape) are taken away. We, thus, are thrown back to only the built in semi-security of early childhood. It isn't enough. We panic."
What do you think? Do any of you have a correlation between your childhood and flying anxiety? Or do you think it is pretty normal for anyone to imagine a disaster could happen on one's flight.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Two Steps Back?
Last year I had no reason to speak to my NM on Mother's Day and this year I felt that obligation gnawing. Sort of. This year I saw my NM and had a meal or two because I traveled to see my G'ma. My NM acted like it was a regular visit to see her and that because we were talking, superficially, over a meal, that she hoped perhaps we'd pick up like things were a couple years ago in which she'd badger me to call her more often, etc.
But I don't feel the same anymore. Ever since she said horrible things to me and then about me and then never denied when I wrote to her about the lack of respect for me (and gave examples), and her meanness. My heart feels better when we don't talk.
Things in the "material world? have been tough for my NM this past year and I feel she expects me to be a presence in her life to sooth her, admire her, etc.
After I saw her in early April, I wrote about how she left my G'ma in the nursing facility, no one knows when she will be well enough to leave there, and my NM takes off, a few states away, to be in her summer home. She drove two days and made it but I didn't call her.
End of April I got this email:
I did not respond.
I relayed this last night to my DH. I mentioned how I have given her details in the past of how she has hurt me. He maintains that she will never get it so why even email her the same feelings again. (I should just write her back and say, "at least you have kept the same email address"). Honestly, my kids are amazed at how many residences she has had in their short lives. They know how often I moved by the time I was their ages.
Just two months ago my NM and I had a sort of honest conversation and I stated how she doesn't even like me. She had no comment. So....why should I be surprised that she acts surprised that I don't go through the motions of calling her. She just wants to be called so that she can chat to me and the kids and act all normal and chooses not to give a damn about why I don't feel like it.
Meanwhile, when I spoke to my G'ma the day before Mother's Day she told me she rec'd our card and she liked it and then she says she "got the most beautiful card she has ever received from her daughter (my NM, the one who had to go a few states away to plant her garden). Sheesh. My older generations are all into the tangible item.
But I don't feel the same anymore. Ever since she said horrible things to me and then about me and then never denied when I wrote to her about the lack of respect for me (and gave examples), and her meanness. My heart feels better when we don't talk.
Things in the "material world? have been tough for my NM this past year and I feel she expects me to be a presence in her life to sooth her, admire her, etc.
After I saw her in early April, I wrote about how she left my G'ma in the nursing facility, no one knows when she will be well enough to leave there, and my NM takes off, a few states away, to be in her summer home. She drove two days and made it but I didn't call her.
End of April I got this email:
"How are you? Since we last spoke, I didn't hear from the kids.
Also, I felt bad, I did not hear from you for Easter. Mom"
I did not respond.
As Mother's Day approached I did not feel right sending her a non-heartfelt Mother's Day card and tried for 10 mins in the store to find a suitable one and gave up.
Unfortunately that Fear, Obligation, Guilt was there when I woke up on Mother's Day. After my lunch out with my DH and children, I called her cell #. My choice is that it was easier for me to be superficial on the phone. But her cell # was disconnected. She is in her "summer" home and I called the last # I had for that. Disconnected.
So I emailed her and wished her a Happy Mother's Day and hoped she had had a good day, and mentioned her cell and house phone numbers I had for her were disconnected.
She sent me an email back the day after Mother's Day and mentioned that she thought she had told everyone she planned to disconnect her cell # and that the home number they have had has been the same for two years (I never called that number. I had to rescue my G'ma away from her two summers ago and we only emailed each other). She also stated that she has listed the summer home number in previous cards to the kids (and she provided me with the #s).
She ended her very brief email with this:
"Needless to say, a mother who receives no call or card on Mother's Day feels bad and wonders what she has done to deserve such. Mom"
I relayed this last night to my DH. I mentioned how I have given her details in the past of how she has hurt me. He maintains that she will never get it so why even email her the same feelings again. (I should just write her back and say, "at least you have kept the same email address"). Honestly, my kids are amazed at how many residences she has had in their short lives. They know how often I moved by the time I was their ages.
Just two months ago my NM and I had a sort of honest conversation and I stated how she doesn't even like me. She had no comment. So....why should I be surprised that she acts surprised that I don't go through the motions of calling her. She just wants to be called so that she can chat to me and the kids and act all normal and chooses not to give a damn about why I don't feel like it.
Meanwhile, when I spoke to my G'ma the day before Mother's Day she told me she rec'd our card and she liked it and then she says she "got the most beautiful card she has ever received from her daughter (my NM, the one who had to go a few states away to plant her garden). Sheesh. My older generations are all into the tangible item.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Be Good to Yourself Tomorrow and Real Love
Last year was the first Mother's Day I had after I was able to put an NPD description to my NM. Also, last Mother's Day was one I will always remember for me as feeling the most incredible joy and love from my DH and children. I felt extremely fragile last year and the true love at my house meant even more to me last year than ever.
I was married for many years before DH and I had children. Just about every Mother's Day I would leave my DH alone and travel 3 hours or so to spend a night and be with my NM and many times my brother was there too and we'd take her out to brunch and of course I brought a gift. My NM loved the image of her and us out to brunch. It was always so uncomfortable for me.
Then I became a mother and DH and I have done our own thing on Mother's Day but I would always send a card AND a gift (I have to say I feel fortunate in many ways not living nearby by NM but also feel like it prolonged my realization of how things truly were/are).
Not once in my 14 years of being a mom has my NM ever said Happy Mother's Day to me.
Around 2.5 years ago, after realizing my NM does not think twice to betray me, I have acted more real. But there is still that "higher road" that I feel...still that decency feeling toward another human being. So what I did last year was send her a "To Grandmother" card from the kids. Since the reality is that she doesn't even like me.
Earlier this week I only spent time at one store....but I truly could not even find a suitable card from my kids....other than just picking one that is blank inside. Which I didn't do. BTW, this buying of cards has been a depressing chore for years and years. I usually found one that said "Hope you spend your day doing whatever you love to do" and then she always exclaimed over the pretty purple flowers or whatever.
I saw this one for laughs:
I looked and looked and picked one out for my GM and one easily for my MIL. But I just didn't feel like picking out a blank one or a generic one for my NM.
I thought maybe we would send an e-card so I looked around online today But I don't feel like messing around with signing up for an account. Back to chuckling...check this one out:
We sent my GM a card. I am sure she is not happy that I have not gone back to visit her so that I can bring her some take-out food.......
It is a tough weekend for many people--at whatever stage one is in during this awakening and path.
I was married for many years before DH and I had children. Just about every Mother's Day I would leave my DH alone and travel 3 hours or so to spend a night and be with my NM and many times my brother was there too and we'd take her out to brunch and of course I brought a gift. My NM loved the image of her and us out to brunch. It was always so uncomfortable for me.
Then I became a mother and DH and I have done our own thing on Mother's Day but I would always send a card AND a gift (I have to say I feel fortunate in many ways not living nearby by NM but also feel like it prolonged my realization of how things truly were/are).
Not once in my 14 years of being a mom has my NM ever said Happy Mother's Day to me.
Around 2.5 years ago, after realizing my NM does not think twice to betray me, I have acted more real. But there is still that "higher road" that I feel...still that decency feeling toward another human being. So what I did last year was send her a "To Grandmother" card from the kids. Since the reality is that she doesn't even like me.
Earlier this week I only spent time at one store....but I truly could not even find a suitable card from my kids....other than just picking one that is blank inside. Which I didn't do. BTW, this buying of cards has been a depressing chore for years and years. I usually found one that said "Hope you spend your day doing whatever you love to do" and then she always exclaimed over the pretty purple flowers or whatever.
I saw this one for laughs:
I thought maybe we would send an e-card so I looked around online today But I don't feel like messing around with signing up for an account. Back to chuckling...check this one out:
We sent my GM a card. I am sure she is not happy that I have not gone back to visit her so that I can bring her some take-out food.......
It is a tough weekend for many people--at whatever stage one is in during this awakening and path.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Crazy Talk
When I was out of state to visit my Grandmother (GM) I visited with my NM not only that night I described in my last post but after a good day with the kids and I doing some fun things and a visit with GM we stopped by my NM’s so she could see the kids once more before I drove back home the next day. I really had the guilts from my GM being happy that I was getting together with my NM.
Now I see that she played the more polite role the first night when the kids were swimming in her community pool, sticking to topics of polite chit-chat such as how am I liking my job (I was surprised as she never asks). I think she was intending to find out how much traveling I was doing.
We ended up going to a deli nearby and at this meal the kids and I were quickly “over” her conversation. Once again she droned on to them about how they could excel at a sport if they really wanted to. She kept talking this usual way without engaging them and none of us had anything to say to her.
After hardly speaking for two years, my NM had these interesting moments:
When we saw each other the first night she said, “Oh, you cut off all your hair.” Ummm, it is on my shoulders, and only a few inches shorter than I used to wear it. Then the 2nd night she asks me how I am liking the shorter hair. I thought she was referring to herself. I said I liked it. She said, Oh you do? I realized she meant my hair.
During our deli meal when she kept talking she says to the kids, “Your mother was so cute when she was little. She had long blond hair…..big blue eyes. She was so cute” We all ignored her.
After dinner back at her place we didn’t go inside but took a quick walk to look at a fountain and I was really anxious to get to our hotel and I was walking in front of her, heading toward my car in the parking lot. The kids are behind her. She says, “You never used to have a butt before and now you are all filled out.” I turned around and gave her a look to convey that was an asinine thing to say. I turned back around. She continued, “Oh, not that it looks bad—it looks good.”
Put a fork in me, I was done.
* * * * * * * *
But here’s the latest insanity.
My GM is in a nice rehab/skilled nursing center and receives physical therapy every day except Sunday. She will most likely be there for another 6 weeks. She is doing as well as can be expected from voluntary hip surgery, but her upper body is weak. Once she is released she will have a home health care aid come to her house for 5 hours a day, maybe longer, and she had this service before. She will need to be stronger as she will not have a full time aid.
For the past few years my NM has lived in a winter home that is near GM from November to April and a summer home from May – October (because GM helped her buy the summer home—remember, my NM told GM she would not be able to visit her unless she forked over thousands of cash to put down).
Well, guess who has left for summer home and left GM at rehab with no one else she knows around. All I have heard now in every conversation from GM is how wonderful my NM has been since her surgery on March 1st, bringing her food and treats and doing her laundry.
NM has left for summer house because she always intended to leave last week of April so that she could plant her garden by May 1st.
Her vegetable garden. At her summer home.
So, if a worker at the rehab center asks my GM where her daughter has gone, does my GM say, "Oh, she drove several states away to go to her summer home so that she can plant her garden by May 1st like she has wanted to." ??
So, if a worker at the rehab center asks my GM where her daughter has gone, does my GM say, "Oh, she drove several states away to go to her summer home so that she can plant her garden by May 1st like she has wanted to." ??
Have I mentioned she is retired? When we had a frank conversation in March and I stated that she had many opportunities to visit the kids but never did my NM defended herself, “But I was working then. Now I’m retired!”
She is retired. She has no where she needs to be. Except she had to be at summer house to plant vegetable garden by May 1st.
I work outside the home. I get a set number of vacation days a year. I cook every day when I get home for 5 of us. Three kids in three different schools—Readers, you get my life but NM and GM (now) does not. My NM planted the seed to GM that after NM leaves for her summer house, I can come visit.
And since she is still in the nice skilled nursing/rehab center, why does GM ask me to drive 10 hours each way or spend hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket??? She is asking for me to bring her over to her own place for some Chinese take-out food (or bring some take-out and hot coffee to her, and to do her laundry in her machines because the nice skilled nursing home would wash her clothes with other people’s at the same time and she does not want that. GM was telling me this (like I said I thought she needed help if she was getting discharged) and I said, “Do your laundry?” and she said, “Yes, it is very easy—you just put a load in the washer and then the dryer.” I was silent but what I wanted to say is that I know, I do about 10 loads a week at my house.
I vented to DH about the insanity. My BFF lives in the same town and had visited GM and could pick up her laundry and take her Chinese food if I asked her to. DH said he could drive there and knock everyone’s socks off about how spouses do things for each other……but frankly I feel a few days, hundreds of dollars in gasoline or a plane ticket to do a load of laundry is a bit much.
GM has a nephew visiting there on business in 11 days from now and she has asked him to do these things too.
I don’t know. I think everyone has gone crazy.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Visit with My NM
The last 5 weeks have been way high up on the stress charts. It has taken me several weeks to just let some time pass.
I wanted to make the long drive to visit my grandmother with 2 of my 3 children during their spring break (the oldest had some sports tournaments and DH stayed home too). We left on a Saturday and drove back on a Tuesday. Eleven hours there and 10 hours back. My GM had elective hip surgery in early March and my NM lives near her approx. Nov-April. After the surgery I spoke to my NM as described in the last post, for the first time in a year. I can honestly say I do not shake anymore while speaking with her as a result of learning so much about NPD this past year and also hearing the words on your blogs. When I speak to her now or listen to her it is less personal, and more as if I am listening to a “case”. And then later it affects me and I have to sort through it.
Believe it or not I enjoyed the drive and we made lots of stops and had fun. For the first night we stayed with an old friend of mine, who knows everything about my family, and she adores our kids and my DH (who was very happy to be home and work on spring yard projects).
I did not call my NM to tell her I was coming—I would have had to hear all about how I should stay with her (!!) or what time to see her or my GM together (GM is at a skilled nursing home getting physical therapy care). I did call my GM and told her we’d see her Sunday afternoon, the next day.
It was very nice to relax, sleep in and catch up with my friend and go out to breakfast the next day and shop for a few things for GM. That afternoon as we drove the 30 mins to see GM I called my NM. I told her we were in town because the kids had a few days off and that we were seeing GM for the next couple of hours. I had asked the kids if she invited us over what they wanted to do. I don’t let my kids make adult decisions, but we were on this trip together and they know what is going on. But the good thing about being with kids is sometimes their simple answers can cut to the chase.
My NM lives in a community that has some gorgeous pools. And it was Hot. The kids said in unison, “We want to swim in her pool.” So my NM and I kept it brief and she asked that since we would be extremely close to her place after our visit with GM, did we want to come over afterwards and the kids could use the pool. So I told her that would be fine.
We visited with my GM, for two hours and I was so, SO proud of my good boys. It was hot, they had to share one chair, they were bored but not one time on the way down, or visiting with GM or on the drive back did they ever whine or complain. I’m verklempt just writing about it.
As I mentioned in my last post, my GM had begun to ask what is it that my NM did to me. She is almost 90 yrs old and now frail and now needing my NM who is the only relative that lives near her half of the year, she's been needing my NM to take care of household things. I had told me GM about the disrespect and the mean stuff, all of which GM knows. What GM does not know and I will someday write about is my NM's betrayal. My GM certainly had her list of why she was “done” with my NM two summers ago. When GM heard that we were heading over to see my NM and have a swim, she said, “That’s nice.” I brought my kids on this trip to be with me, and have a little fun together (beach) and to see their Great GM and although my NM does not deserve to see me or them, we did spend a couple hours with her.
After visiting with GM I called my NM. In the back of my mind I am thinking, “I cannot believe that I am going to be visiting with my NM, who has behaved horribly two summers ago to my GM in their summer home that I had to go rescue her, and that said horrible things about me to my GM that she relayed to me. Things that made me realize after all these years that my NM doesn’t like me. There is no way all that venom can spew out about someone (me) and ever think it was ever right to begin with.
We arrived at her place and as I predicted and braced my middle son, she exclaimed over and over how much he had grown. She had not seen the kids in 2 years. From May through October she lives only 3 hours from me and the past two years I told her she could visit us but she never did. She wants them to be with her without me there, but they don’t want to and we parents won’t allow it.
There was no physical touch for me and our body language likely read to each other to make this a grand-kid related visit and nothing else except of course to review all of her financial woes over past 6 months what she has been up to. So there we were, sitting by the pool. It was surreal. But like I said, it was bearable because I know what she is, I know it is not me, I know who I am, and I just made mental notes of the Narc-isms.
When I spoke on the phone a couple weeks prior and we had some very frank words, I did mention some things about how I realize some things even looking back to my childhood. My NM responded as to I had no clue how bad her childhood was. So I think my NM is dismissing any of the current issues I have with her and is focusing on that childhood comment. The only reference we really had during this visit is she said, “Speaking of childhood abuse…” and she mentioned something about her childhood. I am very calm and parent-like and acknowledged that I know her childhood was the pits.
The only way my NM has known to show the kids she feels for them is to buy them something so she insisted that although it was late she wanted to get them an Easter gift and we went to the big store next door (which worked for me because I bought some toiletry items I needed).
When we said good-bye and she says to me, “Come here, You!” And gives me a long hug. I did not feel it and I did not reciprocate. As others have said in their Narc parent blogs, the body does not lie.
Of course my NM had wanted to know what we were doing the next day. My NM thought that at some point we would hook up during the day but we did our thing and she did hers. We ended up seeing her for about another 2 hours the next night and I’ll post more about that next. There were more Narc-isms then and have been some more in the past week.
I’m worn out, flat worn out. But my kids and DH are the best people I know and I work during the day and drive home to see them again after work like a bat out of hell to get home.
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