My GM has always been very frugal (and therefore has the means to always help my NM when she needed a downpayment). Almost 2 yrs ago at age 87 she fell and broke her hip and can no longer drive, though she did up till then, and she can walk with a cane. Fortunately my GM had the foresight to pay for home health care insurance in case she ever needed it. My GM can have a home health care aid attend to her in whichever residence she happens to be so she had a woman assist her 6 days/week to drive her to the doc, therapy, the store, make her lunch, etc.
My NM has discussed with me for 20 yrs how my NM is getting to inherit the bulk from GM so you can imagine my NM’s frustration that GM is still kicking at age 89, and that my NM still has to deal with her. My NM has asked my GM to be in charge of all her assets but my GM has refused except for a checking acct.
That summer of 2009 the awful things my NM would say to my GM got worse. My NM’s partner (P) was ugly to her too. In Aug/2009 my NM overheard my GM ending a phone call with me saying “I love you.” My NM went ballistic to my GM and even called her home health care person on her day off ranting about my GM. More evidence of why my kids won’t be subjected to my NM.
I then made plans to get my GM from this summer house, drive her back to my house, and then next day drive her back home (an all-day drive). There were a few emails to me from my NM in which she told me she thought it was crazy for me to take off time from work, that it would be a long drive because my GM has to take a bathroom break less than every 2 hours and instead my NM was wanting to put her on a plane for a 2 hour flight, alone, and then alone in her hometown with no one to get her from airport and into her own home. My NM also tried to tell me things about my GM such as this email on 8/22/09:
“Remember this, GM is a user, you are only good if you are giving to her or doing for her. She lacks appreciation. While she is getting what she wants, she will butter you up. Your brother and certainly I, know her better than you do. After all I've done she has NOT told me "I Love You", in years. She takes All and gives Nothing in return! Both she and you have treated me with no love or respect. Shame on both of you. Remember, your children watch and listen. What goes around, comes around.
Your mother, who gave her all to you for years.”
In the meantime, my NM was telling my GM tales about how I am not perfect. About how I once took the family car when I was 17 when NM was out of town and my lame SF was still sleeping and I sneaked out and skipped school to be with a boyfriend. (Well, hell yeah I did. One of the best days of my life at that time …..Reader, are you laughing? I am. That was THIRTY years ago).
End of August 2009 DH and I drove to get my GM and my NM was not at home and I successfully got my GM back home after a long, long drive in which I heard everything my NM had said about me and at which time I realized I would never, ever have feelings for my NM. After all these years I realized that she does not like me, let alone love me. The previous summer I realized she has no respect for me and no regard to what I have to say.
My kids would get a call from her now and then on our home phone to hear about back-to-school. Earlier in the summer I emailed her about how they won’t be visiting her, but that she was welcome to come to our house.
Then I get this email on October 11, 2009:
“I want to entertain the boys for two days/one night, either Thanksgiving or Christmas week. Respond ASAP. Mom. Also, time for the boys to phone me.”
Do you see how bossy she is? As if she had the right to tell me what to do? I also rec’d vm’s with that same message to have the kids call her. I ignored all calls. I was processing….. But she kept calling.
On Nov 6, 2009 she emails this:
“Call me that we may discuss the holidays. (My Name), attempting to keep the boys from me is bad business. It will backfire. Let's make a logical plan. Mom”
And then the next day I rec'd a vm from NM:
“If you are not going to take my calls, I am going to show up in your driveway and you are going to have to deal with me then.”
I had finally had it. I wrote her back 4 days later.
Wow, WRB. She sounds like a complete ass. Her words would make me want to keep the kids as far away from her as possible. She seems scary and intimidating! Certainly not someone I'd want kids of any age to be around. I feel so bad for your GM. I'm sure your GM knows who the crazy one in this situation is. She knows. Your NM obviously feels three-hundred percent entitled to absolutely everything that she demands including devotion and respect, both of which she doesn't deserve. She might be the type you may have to end up getting a restraining order against. Be careful WRB - it sounds like she has some severe rage issues - do whatever you have to do to keep you and your family safe.
ReplyDeleteFirst email = projection. Second and third emails were bossy, pushy, and unbelievably rude. Her persistence (constant voicemails) did nothing to help the situation either. You rightly exploded - she was trampling all over your boundaries!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to your email response.
Raven—You are right. She does have rage—probably why my heart pounds if I hear her voice. I added one more item just now to the end of my blogpost. That comment may have done me in. But I am embarrassed to say that she is badgering me now a year later for a visit to see the boys and I didn’t properly blow her off. Plus, she is being bitchy about it. After rehashing these emails I am ready.
ReplyDeleteShaun—Yes, that first email was projection, wasn’t it. I think I was so used to the rudeness that it has taken a while to step back and see it so clearly now.
“If you are not going to take my calls, I am going to show up in your driveway and you are going to have to deal with me then.”
ReplyDeleteWOW. WTH? That sounds like a threat to me! WRB, I'm sure you already know this, but keep these emails and voicemails just in case you need them for legal purposes at some point in the future. She is definitely not safe, and I think you've been incredibly strong, brave, and smart to keep yourself and your family away from her.
Shaun is right - that first email is ALL about projection.
Looking forward to hearing what happened next. *Hugs*
Bossy is right, holy cow! My NM regularly emails me and or leaves voicemails that say "give me a call tonight," but the worst is when she tells me to call my grandmother. She thinks my GM and I have a bad relationship because I don't call her all the time, even though we email and keep updated through facebook and whatnot. So if I ever ask my mom something like "how often should I water this plant?" she'll say "call your grandma, she would know." Drives me nuts!
ReplyDeleteI too am looking forward to reading your response.
O..M..G..we have to talk. My NM acts the same way about her surviving parent. She also stands to inherit a large chunk, and is ticked off that she hasn't yet. NM won't do a thing for my grandparent unless it's paid for, because he/she 'can afford it', and claims to be poor as a church mouse. What I don't understand is why my grandparent keeps giving her money, knowing how ungrateful she is. My NPs live rather large and most of it has been paid for by her parent(s). My NM also badmouthed her parents to me as a child (the statement about your GM being a user rings very familiar) and badmouths me to my grandparent now. It's NMs way of trying to control the situation since I went NC and trying to punish me for doing so.
ReplyDeleteI love how your NM says 'what goes around comes around', yet somehow it doesn't apply to her. She uses and treats your GM like garbage.
It sounds like we have a lot in common with our NMs, so my heart just breaks for you.
Raven, I have definitely kept everything written. I feel bad for GM because my NM talks to her (of course) and puts her in the middle by talking about me, AND getting GM upset by telling her that "she must have told me everything and caused my falling out with her." Of course I am open with GM and explain I already felt this way regardless of GM passing comments to me (although hearing some of the evil stuff sealed the deal that it is over with us). My NM has told my GM that she thought about pursuing me legally to be able to see her Grandkids, which is not doable, plus I never said she couldn't see them. I have only said we or they are not going to her house. She wants to visit us now finally but I amy or may not allow it. I may only allow a lunch somewhere we both meet.
ReplyDeleteCC--My nm has bossed every person in her life. Reading about other NMs helps me see so clearly now.
Rys--thank you so much for sharing! I had not yet read about others' NMs and how they are with their own mother, if alive. MY GM obviously feels obligated but she had her last straw about lending money a couple years ago. However, my GM still needs my NM to occasionally check in with her and occasionally take her out to eat in the winter when they are in the same town. my GM has no friends still alive and unfortunately does not live in a senior community. A good lesson to DH and I for our older days. If you ever feel literal about the "we have to talk" (i loved that), then yes, let's talk. Hugs to you too!