My NM is Very, Very Mean

The good news in the short term is that we don't see my NM very often. My NM is just about retired and has a summer home in a different state than her other home. My NM has used my grandmother (GM), over the years to help her with a downpayment on a home about 12 years ago, and a business (that failed and my 88 yr old GM is still trying to sell this property now). For this summer home, my NM told my GM that she won't be allowed to stay in this summer home unless she (GM) paid for half of it. In another post I will describe how mean, so horribly mean you won't believe it, my NM is to my GM. And how I cannot stand meanness to an 88 yr old woman (who is not perfect, but doesn't deserve the wrath of my NM).

In the summer of 2008 the kids and I visited my NM at this summer house and I saw again how my NM picks at my kids and picks at me and the visit did not go well. There was a lot of meanness said to me and my issue is that I do not react immediately. I tried to ignore her for a few months and then on the phone I told her how I felt about how she treats my GM (and my NM has a common-law partner who is awful to my GM as well) and that did not go well and we rarely spoke on the phone afterwards. I wish I had clearly written to her at that time how there'd be no contact.

In Dec. 2008 my GM got sick and had to stay in a convelescent home alone for 3 months. My NM visited her about every 1.5 weeks (my NM lived 10 miles away). I flew for a Fri-Sun and visited her each day and stayed with a girlfriend. My NM wanted me to stay with her BUT only visit my GM on Sat which was my NM's "day" to visit her. I declined, rented a car and say my GM each day. My NM went ballistic and later said horrible things to my GM (who was trying to recoop) about how I really just wanted to visit my friend and only saw my GM for a cover-up.

Then in April 2009 on the way to the summer house, with my GM in tow, they stopped by for a 2.5 hour visit. My NM announced that she nefver thought that at age 88 my GM would still be around and my NM would have to mesh her in with my NM's plans at her own retirement age. Mt NM also threw a hissy fit over our choice of summer plans--that the Nat'l park we chose was not worth it compared to another Nat'l park SHE had been to. We all laughed about it for days later.

For years she has been saying she wants the kids to visit her without me--like for a week over the summer. This has never happened. Even when they were younger she asks if "one or two" can visit. Or maybe I can "put one on a plane to see her and she'd pay." Readers, my kids are the type who get compliments when we go out to eat. They are quiet, respectful, and stay outside to play all day. She'll say to the kids on the phone and in person that summer of 2008 "we'll have FUN without your mom here!"

After our family road trip which was FANTASTIC, I finally emailed her that they would not be visiting her alone, and that they actually do not want to visit her. (She visited us twice when the kids were very young. They are now 14, 12 and 9 Other visits have been me taking vacay time and doing a 10 hour drive. DH would rather have 4 root canals than visit her). I am always polite in my emails. I have been respectful to my NM for way, way longer than deserved. Here is what I emailed in July 2009:

"Hi Mom,
The kids returned a couple days ago from a trip on since July 7th. They went with me to a meeting then we all visited a brother in law at the beach. Then I flew home and they continued on for a visit to the Keys with DH.

I have to tell you that I can visit with the boys for a weekend such as the weekend of Aug 1st and 2nd, or the weekend of Aug 16th, or a later weekend. They do not want to spend a week there. And frankly, I have issues with some things that happened last summer as well as in the past so I am not keen on them staying there without me. Sorry to have to put this into writing. We can rehash the past if you want, or we can acknowledge that there are issues.

Again, I am able to come for a weekend, and you are always welcome to visit us here as well.

I do have to go out this evening but I will have the boys call to chat..

Love, Me"

(I realize I should have cut things off--why did I offer visits? A HUGE part of me felt like I should not tell her she can't see the kids).

Then she wrote this back:

Dear Daughter,
I have realized for the past decade, it is not the kids lack of desire to visit but your refusal to allow them. If I were an angel , you or your husband would have an excuse as to why they couldn't spend time with me. Bonding time has expired. You should be ashamed of yourself for these actions or lack of; Face it, you cut off (stepfather), your brother and when did you last call your GM, let alone me.
I gave my all for you, my princess. For what? To be treated with NO priority. Well missy, it's time you woke-up, forget yourself and realize what the kids have to lose. Tell them the truth why they have been denied grandmothering, plane trips, Disneyland and more. A disappointed mom and grandmother. I loathe to tell you that you and your spouse are not perfect. Most relatives try to overlook short comings and dwell on the good of each one. "


(BTW, my NM rarely signs anything to me or the kids as Love, Mom. Also, my name or nickname is not missy. That is what she wrote to me, a 46-yr old woman who has never needed a dime since the day I graduated college 25 years ago).

August 2009 got even worse. I will fill in more, there was a lot more meanness and there was NC from Oct 2009 till April 2010. I should have nipped this properly in the summer of 2009 (or even 2008!). Because.....she's baaacccckkkk! More very soon.