How I Learned To Not Be Homesick

I have previously blogged about a time when I was 15 years old and my NM and worthless SF left my brother and I home alone for four weeks while they went to Europe on a vacation that was convenient timing for them (slow work time).  Now that I know my NM has NPD, the memories of childhood are coming back to me and I am viewing them from the NPD perspective and also from a parent's perspective.  I feel my NM had a completely different set of feelings for her children (my brother and I) than what I consider normal.  Completely different from how I feel about my children. 

Previously I have felt bad that my NM did not have a good childhood.  She had an abusive, alcoholic father who left home forever when she was 16.  Then she married at 18 and had my brother and then two years later had me.  I see now that her NPD was the result of much shame and insecurity in her early past.  Her high school senior year love interest dumped her for a former flame.  My bio dad was rebound guy—a weak man (and the beginning of a life-long pattern of my NM needing to be the Boss of her man). 

A few years after I was born, my NM wanted to move from our home state and find jobs in another state thousands of miles away.  My dad was not into this, but agreed.  When I was 4 yrs old we moved with hardly any goods at all to another state.  My NM was the worker bee, waitressing (which took care of the bills plus she'd bring leftover food home), and my dad was shy and unmotivated.  I have heard this story my whole life.  One night my NM came home late as usual from waitressing to find me (age 4), my brother (age 6) and father gone with all of our clothes gone too.  Apparently my father had planned to take us back to our home state without telling my NM, doing so while she was at work.  We took a train back and apparently (I have no memory of this) stayed with my paternal grandparents for three months.  My NM told me that she knew her marriage was over and stayed in this new state, working double shifts so that she saved enough money to be able to fly back to us, have a return ticket for her, plus to have a returning plane ticket for my brother and me so that when she arrived and took care of divorce proceedings, we three would return back to the new state.  Which is what happened.  When my NM would tell me this story sometimes she'd add that men would give her a ride home after her waitressing shift (we had no car) and that my dad would not be happy about that.  I am sure that my NM got attention--she was absolutely gorgeous.

My NM is a survivor.  She will work for something to get it.  I always thought she was the champion to save us from a life of being poor with a “loser” dad, in an "unglamorous" city where generations had always lived.  But now, 40+ years later, and as the mother of children……my heart would absolutely ache and break if I had to be away from my kids even a fraction of the three or so months she was away from us.  So now…..I feel she did what was best for her.  Because I am looking at event after event since I was 4 and I see that all of her actions toward her children were about what was best for her.

Years ago I recall speaking with my brother about some mom things.  He says he is grateful that she did not have an abortion and had him instead.  True.  And I am grateful that she wanted another child (me) so that her firstborn was not an only child as she was.  And I know that I am who I am because of my past experiences.  I am independent.  I am flexible.  I can be very strong.

I was sent to camp for two weeks when I was 8 yrs old and I learned about the word homesick, which is what happened to many other kids.  But I was never homesick.