A Few Days Before Christmas

I have been in and out of stores many times this past month shopping for the kids and found myself sometimes seeing an item that my NM would really like as a Christmas gift.  I saw her favorite perfume...I saw some warm pajamas...I heard of a new book she'd like.

I think the card and note she sent a couple of weeks ago to the kids was just a test to see if they would reply to her.  She has always taken it very personally when they don't write or call her, even telling my oldest "how would he like it if I never called you."

In prior months/years I used to ask the kids to call her but I don't any more.  I did feel a pang of guilt thinking of her not hearing anything from them this Christmas, and have just today mailed her a C-mas card with a letter from each of them in it, PLUS a couple of photos of the three of them.  The photo will stop her in her tracks because from some past communications I know she still thinks of them as younger than they are.  Just picture how much kids change physically when they are 12 and 14.  Even I, who see them every day, feel as if they have grown an inch overnight when they come into the kitchen for breakfast in the a.m.  She hasn't seen any of us in 20 months and I have not sent any photos.

Last November is when I emailed my true feelings to my NM and she wrote back that "she is letting go" and so we did not communicate at C-mas and I can't remember how the kids communicated.

I know that my NM is having some hard times financially like so many others, and like we were 5 years ago (of which I shared none of that with her).  I know that she is busy and trying to sell a home, which is futile these days.  But I also know how much better I have felt this season knowing there wouldn't be a horrible, awful conversation about Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday plans.  And I know there is no upcoming visit to my house to agonize over.  We have had a Christmas at our house ruined and it won't happen again.

I am so grateful and excited over the traditions that we have made in our house with the 5 of us.  I have had to travel lots this month for work and have had much work stress, and after tomorrow I will have the rest of the year off--I could jump for joy.

I have a lot I'd like to still explain.  Hardly a day goes by in which I remind myself what my NM deliberately said to me two years ago that was so pivotal and it's a focus point for me to remember why I have no need for her N-ness anymore. It is not so simple, though.  I have a GM who lives 15 miles from her, who will be leaving pretty much all her assets to my NM, and who is ailing, and who is "in the middle" of us, and I guarantee that if something happens to GM, my NM will not tell me.  At that time the word Turning Point" will not even describe it.

But for now I am so ready to hang out at home and cook and see some movies and read and enjoy my family of five and our traditions.  One of the three of them still Believes and has feet smaller than mine.

However you like to celebrate, I wish you much joy and strength and good times this season.