It has been just about a year since I emailed my NM and finally told her what I thought of her and included that due to her behavior and what she says to the kids in front of me and behind me that they would not be visiting her. And then she replied that "she was letting go". That is when I Googled around and found websites about NPD and realized that was her.
For once I enjoyed Thanksgiving with my in-laws without feeling obligated to call her that day and hear how mad she was that we choose to see them for T-giving...for once on Christmas in our own home I did not have to deal with her offers of flying me and the kids (she likes to pretend I do not have a DH of 22 years) to visit, or hear her moan about how everywhere she goes she sees families together for the holidays. I believe that we sent a card from the kids.
I had stated in that email that she could call the kids on the home phone (which is virtually their phone since DH and I never answer that phone). So every couple of weeks she would call and then for one of their birthdays she sent a card and a check. Her calls to them consist of her not really knowing what they are into, and they know that, and in addition she tells the oldest (age 13) "You can call me too; how would it make you feel if I never called you?" The kids fill me in on how they feel about her calls, what she says, etc. and to that comment my Eldest told me, "I felt like saying that I wouldn't mind that at all!"
I had talked to the kids about how my NM and I were not speaking as I told my NM how I felt and it didn't go well, and in addition I am really not that interested after her behavior two summers ago (at which they were present). I'm pretty open with them about things, although they are not aware of the truly evil things my NM has said to her mom--their 88 yr old great grandma (GM). I have also not told them many other reasons as to why I cannot trust her or like her. I don't need to because they have seen and heard things for themselves. I will perhaps tell them more in the future.
My NM lives in one state in the winter months and has a mountain home in another state for the other 7 months. This past Spring when she went back to the summer home, she pretty much passes near where we live. It has been this way the kids' entire lives--she may stop by just for lunch but prefers to try to have us visit her at her place. When the kids were little we lived in a smaller house and her excuse is that we didn't have a guest room for her. (what we had was easily converted into a guest room--we had an office room!) The nutjob even wrote a letter addressed to my Oldest when he was 6 yrs old about how "Grandma doesn't stay to visit because there is no guestroom for her". The poor kid was so puzzled. Of course we read the letter first, but he saw that we had a letter so we did show him. I did tell her that that was not appropriate and very oddball. Several years ago we moved to a much larger home and she stops by for lunch even less so I had confirmation that the small house excuse was just an excuse.
This past April I had heard from my GM that my NM was back at her summer home. One night one of the kids handed me the phone and said that my NM wanted to talk to me. WTF? I was caught off guard. I am not good at speaking on the fly to her. She says, "I'd like to make arrangements to have the kids visit me for a week this summer. They are old enough now and I would like to spend time with them while I am still young enough and able to. We would have so much fun". So there I am, not believing this and I told her that nothing for me had changed since we last emailed, and that the kids do not want to. And she tells me that I could come too but the deal is that she and they may want to do something that I wouldn't want to do (she has tried to tell the boys that they'd have more fun without me). Then she told me to think about it and let her know and I wimped out for not speaking clearly--I was in shock from hearing from her.
My DH is great at knowing just the words to say and without ever reading about NPD things like "we" do, he zero'd right in on saying to me, "What has she done to show she is working on anything or apologized for anything?" It is so hard for me to deal with her. My life is so swamped as it is. I chose to not put in the time or energy. I just ignored her again. I figured she could read my email from last Nov. again. And I ignored her and did not email her.
Direct from the Narcissist's script: "I have to let go."
ReplyDeleteTranslation: I'm going to disappear for an undetermined amount of time and hope that you've forgotten everything that's happened up to that point. I will then try to start up the shit-factory once again.
"You can call me too; how would it make you feel if I never called you?"
What adult ever asks that of a CHILD? Seriously? If that doesn't flag the blatant narcissism in your mother, I'm not sure what will.
she has tried to tell the boys that they'd have more fun without me
Then she tries to divide you and your children? Geez-a-loo, she's a nutjob. Apparenly you're just a big enough supply of NS anymore. Plus you inhibit the NS from your children if you're involved. Keep ignoring her - this is BS.
I'm not sure if you've read this article before but I thought it was interesting. I sometimes wonder if I would let my parents keep in touch with my kids if I ended up in No Contact with them, and at this point I still don't know what I would do.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=466829
Shaun, everything you pointed out is so spot on. I should have addressed these comments when they occurred...but I guess I still can!
ReplyDeleteCC--I have heard of her but had not read that piece until now. It does make sense, such as if she is toxic to me, why wouldn't she be toxic to them. So I have made it clear they will not visit her w/out me. But I did leave the door open for her to visit here if she wanted, and now I wish I hadn't--although she has not yet come, it would be a horrible weekend if she did.
I understand what you are going through as I have older children (23 & 21) also. It has been one year since I have spoken to my NM. The last time I did she was in such a rage it was soul sucking. I hung up on her and have refused to speak to her if she is going to yell at me. I'm 45 years old. She then switched to email, which is such a one-way conversation, things did not get better with that mode. In her twisted mind, she believes that I have written my family off and that is why I am not talking to her. She took no responsibility for her actions. No shock.
ReplyDeleteShe now contacts my children on her own. She emails them and phones them. I tried to explain to her that that puts them in the middle. She doesn't care. She believes that she has done nothing wrong and I am the problem. I am torn in the situation. I don't feel I can tell my young adult children not to talk to their grandmother, yet I feel angered by the situation. I haven't yet figured out how to deal with it. It's a huge struggle for me.
Just Me: I really related to your comment. And this is so true for me too:
ReplyDelete“In her twisted mind, she believes that I have written my family off and that is why I am not talking to her. She took no responsibility for her actions.”
I figured that when mine are legal they can call her or visit her if they wish. I bet that won’t happen as they “get” nothing out of a relationship with her, but of course, are polite. My DH was right when he predicted years ago that when the kids get old enough they will see her as crazy (and mean). Last year my NM would email me, “Tell the boys to call me” but there have not been any of those emails lately.
"tell the boys to call me". wow. They never take responsibility. They never act like adults. They think that it is up to the children and everyone else to make the relationship work. They put zero effort into things but expect 100% from us.
ReplyDeleteIt's a sickness. They expect the children to take on the adult roles. Never them. They never have to be accountable. Just demonstrates the reality that they have the emotional mentality of children.