I was getting ready to post about the status of any communications between NM and me from this past May (after she called out of the blue asking for the kids to visit her after 5 months of NC) to present, but I have rec’d an email from NM today so I am going to jump to the present, as I need some advice.
NM had emailed me in July to ask if she and her “fiancée” (they have been together for many years) could visit for a certain weekend in August but I said no because that was right before back to school. I should have addressed with her then that it is appalling that she keeps trying to pick up without acknowledging what I wrote to her last Nov. She then emailed me in August suggesting we get together in my area for her b-day weekend or a later weekend of my Youngest’s b-day. I ignored that email. Since she didn’t acknowledge my b-day in May I thought that was pretty nervy (and humorous actually) that she would suggest we get together for hers. At this time she is in her summer home which is about 3 hours away from me. It was interesting that she is no longer asking for the kids to visit her, but to instead come to me. Except that I cannot even now stomach the thought of her being in my house.
I asked my youngest child about her visiting that weekend. He said no way, he was planning a sleepover and didn’t want her there with all his friends there (I wasn't considering it but I was open with him that she was inquiring). As his b-day got closer she emailed me again and I did respond that he was having a sleepover so that weekend wouldn’t work. She wrote back mad saying, “You knew we were planning that weekend.” Turns out she only wants to visit when her fiancée can have off of work every few weeks so he can drive and also be her moral support (she now hates driving).
That was news to me that we were actually planning something. And Readers, she has no concept of what my weekends/week/life is like with three kids, enrolled in 4 sport teams, activities, etc. In between a Fri night and a Sat a.m. and p.m., DH and I are tag teaming to get it all done, around town, not to mention the food shopping, meal making, etc., etc. on the weekend since I am at work during the day (and she is a retired person).
Then she sent a gift that was of no interest to my child (as is often the case). The price tag of $30.00 was left on it, from a small, local store. Other Grandma sends each kid a $20 check which thrills my kids to no end as they know what they’d like to buy at Target, etc.
I have had my child write thank you notes to several relatives and I was just thinking about reminding him about a letter to her to be done with it and I just got this email today:
“I have not heard back from you in 5 weeks since you wrote about the sleepover party. I called on the actual birthday night and spoke to (other child) and asked for you to call me. I do not know if my birthday gift was received.”
She had called on that actual b-day, about an hour before I even got home from work and b-day boy wasn’t home yet either.
So…since this woman cannot take a hint, do I:
A). Reply back on email that my child rec’d the gift.
B). Ask child to send thank you note in mail (I’m torn between manners vs. encouraging correspondence with the kids. Although I should not care about manners any more with her).
C). Take this opportunity to point out that we won’t have any normal correspondence with each other since there has been no response from her to my email from last Nov., no apologies for things she has said.
D). Other?
I’m stressed. I’m busy at work. I can’t deal with her.
I'm of the mind that it should be a combination B and D. Your mother sent a gift, it's the the thought that counts, your child actually saw the gift and who it was from so he should send a Thank You. However, I also think a reply that she hasn't addressed your prior email from you may be appropriate, too.
ReplyDelete... she has no concept of what my weekends/week/life is like with three kids, enrolled in 4 sport teams, activities, etc.
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!! I can't even begin to tell you how much this chaps my ass. It's an obvious sign of the lack of ability to empathize, but my mother absolutely doesn't get that just because she doesn't have to work and has absolutely no responsibilities doesn't mean that everyone else is in the same boat. She's totally clueless.
Let us know what you decide!
Any reply you make will continue the converation at some level. I used to struggle with the 'good manners' thing in regards to the children. There are narcissists that will specifically use children in that regard. I'm not accusing your NM of that, that's something you'd have to decide for yourself. But I will say that those that do often jump all over you if they didn't get their due thanks the second it appears on your doorstep.
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting that your NM had already made plans to come to your house without hearing from you first. It was very inconsiderate to not even think *you* have a schedule too.
My NM remembers everything...until it's convenient. Your NM is likely ignoring your Nov. letter...like if they pretend it's not there, it will magically disappear. Ns don't want, nor feel a need, for the relationship to change. She seems to want to skip over the existence of that letter to keep the status quo going.
Ultimately, the decision will be yours as to how you handle this. YOU decide how much contact you want to have with your NM, including if, when and how. Not her.
D) Delete email.
ReplyDeleteOh and seconding rys' comment. I spent ten minutes typing out an answer only to delete it. But I found it tremendously helpful to focus primarily on what *I* wanted first. You decide where your boundaries are, not her. You decide if you want her in your home, not her (and good god it sounds like you don't want her there if your stomach turns at the thought of her visit).
ReplyDeleteAlso: your Nmom sounds like she's constantly testing your boundaries, along with selectively hearing what you've communicated and that sounds EXHAUSTING. Who needs that in their life?
Remember always that Ns use rules of polite society to box decent people into corners.
Oh WRB, I so so understand where you're coming from. Take care of yourself, focus on what YOU need, not her. Even though she won't take a hint, it's not your responsibility to cater to her vacationing preferences. If the weekend doesn't work, it doesn't work. As far as acknowledging the gift - your description of the "gift" says it all: simply say thanks we got it, that weekend won't work. bam. She's a pushy bitch and you've got enough going on!!
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
upsi
In other words, give it as much thought as she gives you and your family: very little!
ReplyDeleteA thank you card written by Youngest has been put in the mail today. No email from me yet. I see her email as a jab at me for manners—the only thing she can say about me. Last winter I got an email that said, “I haven’t heard from the kids in a while. It’s a Mother’s job to remind them.”
ReplyDeleteThank you so, so much everyone for your input! Each of your comments really helped me. Shaun: They also don’t get how our lives are busy because they never got engaged with their children the way I am engaged with mine.
Rys: Yes, she does make a point to ignore what I have presented, so I will ignore her. PWC: She really DOES test my boundaries, doesn’t she??! OMG your last sentence was the bomb!
Upsi—So spot on! And I’m giggling over the phrase “her vacationing preferences.