Strong Memory of Being Used

I have a memory of something cruel that my mom did to me that I have thought of often.  I may sound like a broken record, but as a mother of a 12 year old I cannot imagine my DH or me doing anything even close to this to one of our children.

When I was about 5 we lived in an apt (my NM, brother and me) and my NM made friends with another single mom.  A few years later my NM remarried and we moved to another state and lived in a posh house with lots of room and this friend of my mother’s was down and out and came to live with us for a month or two.  She had a daughter who was about 5 at this time and I was about 9.

A few years later we were located back in the same state (NM had divorced hubby #2) and my NM had done well for herself with her own business.  I was 13 years old, maybe even close to 14—I am horrified as I write this.  My NM and this friend were not close anymore and as I learned later this friend had asked my NM to borrow some money and my NM had refused.

Well, my NM and I were at a restaurant and I have no idea if this friend knew it and came by—those details aren’t clear, but no way was it coincidental—it was a very large town, and their friendship had been mostly phone because they didn’t live super close to each other.

Well, my NM put on a big air and acted pretty snotty as this friend stood next to our table.  Then my mom says that I had been to Italy that summer (on some sort of an exchange program).  A big fat lie!!!  Always the protector of my mother……I just sat there.  And didn’t deny it.  My NM’s friend stood there and looked at me (you could tell she was assessing the situation).  I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that this was a blatant lie.  This friend was originally from that country – what if she asked me what cities I’d been to??  What if she asked me something in her original language?  I don’t think I ever met her gaze.  She just asked me if I had a good time.  I said yes.  She was cordial and went on her way.  I don’t remember any explanation from my NM later.  I only picked up later from other conversations that for some reason my NM didn’t like this friend anymore. 

I realize that I still feel bad about that and regret it.

It Was Easier When She Was NC, But Now I'm Gonna Have To Deal

So here is where we are at when the daughter (me) of a NM doesn’t realize until her 40’s that her mom is an NM, and the daughter has teen/pre-teen age children who realize that grandma is a wackadoodle, and the daughter really prefers it when the NM does not contact the daughter or the children, and how the daughter does not deal with it or respond; instead the daughter prefers to not even think of the NM, but to keep busy and enjoy her family of 5.

With that being said, let’s catch up since the Christmas card that was sent to the kids in early December.  She wrote a note to the kids to buy them a plane ticket if they wanted to visit.  I had heard from my grandmother that my NM was peeved that my youngest took a month to send a thank you for a b-day gift in Sept and that she just wasn’t going to send gifts anymore.

So I knew the mention of a plane ticket was just words—she knows I won’t put them on a plane.  She knows I won’t leave them with her.  She knows why I am justified in this.

Well, Christmas got closer and then of course I felt bad that she would not even have a card so what did I do?  I mailed her a card and in it were a few photos (she hasn’t seen them in 20 months) and a newsy letter written by each of them about school, Christmas break so far, what sports they are doing, etc.

The week after Christmas, a glorious, relaxing time off for me to enjoy the family, a letter arrives addressed to the kids and of course I opened it first because that is what you have to do when you are in my position and have seen wackadoodle stuff written to them before.  Each child had a letter written individually.  I can tell she felt really bad that she did not call or send anything to her only 3 grandkids, and so how did she spin this?  Each child had this sentence in their letter:

“You did not communicate with me prior to Christmas regarding your wish list.  Write back and tell me what you wanted that you did not receive.”

And my youngest got this variation, “I rec’d your letter and photo on Christmas Eve.  But I was out for the evening and I was sad that I had not heard from you.  Then on Christmas Day I went to the mailbox and there was the card and letters.  I was so happy.  I did wish you boys had phoned me or written me sooner with your holiday wish list.”

What crap.  She never asked them for a wish list (by the way they are older but she acts like they are 6) and amazing that she took no responsibility and stated they failed to do something.  Her letters also included some questions about the weather, etc.

And get this.  The letter to my eldest asked him to “be her friend on Facebook.”  I thought those of you reading would get a chuckle out of that since so many of you write about the narcky Facebook antics.  My DH and I do not use Facebook, and it has never been mentioned to my NM so she must have looked around (she just started Facebook and is very inactive.  I know this because I have a fake account that I do not use).  Well, Eldest had no intention of contacting her via Facebook.

Yours truly received a short letter too.  It just mentioned a couple of things she is keeping busy with, including taking care of my grandmother (her mom) if she has an up-coming surgical procedure (they live in the same town and more on this another time).  I actually got a “Love, Mom” at the end.

Then a few days later she called on the home phone that DH and I never use and she said the same thing to them (they tell me everything) about how they did not write her prior to Christmas about some gift ideas.  And she asked them to email her and gave them her email address (my kids do not have their own email as DH and I do not believe in kids needing that kind of privacy).

Then for a few days I had dreams about her, which I had previously managed to not have in a long, long time.  As I see these letters and hear what she says, I know this is not right and needs to be dealt with.  She needs to not bypass me and have access to the kids like this.  She needs to be reminded of why I am not into her anymore.  And this means I have to deal with her.  Most of all it means I need to be a better mother regarding this situation to my kids.

A Few Days Before Christmas

I have been in and out of stores many times this past month shopping for the kids and found myself sometimes seeing an item that my NM would really like as a Christmas gift.  I saw her favorite perfume...I saw some warm pajamas...I heard of a new book she'd like.

I think the card and note she sent a couple of weeks ago to the kids was just a test to see if they would reply to her.  She has always taken it very personally when they don't write or call her, even telling my oldest "how would he like it if I never called you."

In prior months/years I used to ask the kids to call her but I don't any more.  I did feel a pang of guilt thinking of her not hearing anything from them this Christmas, and have just today mailed her a C-mas card with a letter from each of them in it, PLUS a couple of photos of the three of them.  The photo will stop her in her tracks because from some past communications I know she still thinks of them as younger than they are.  Just picture how much kids change physically when they are 12 and 14.  Even I, who see them every day, feel as if they have grown an inch overnight when they come into the kitchen for breakfast in the a.m.  She hasn't seen any of us in 20 months and I have not sent any photos.

Last November is when I emailed my true feelings to my NM and she wrote back that "she is letting go" and so we did not communicate at C-mas and I can't remember how the kids communicated.

I know that my NM is having some hard times financially like so many others, and like we were 5 years ago (of which I shared none of that with her).  I know that she is busy and trying to sell a home, which is futile these days.  But I also know how much better I have felt this season knowing there wouldn't be a horrible, awful conversation about Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday plans.  And I know there is no upcoming visit to my house to agonize over.  We have had a Christmas at our house ruined and it won't happen again.

I am so grateful and excited over the traditions that we have made in our house with the 5 of us.  I have had to travel lots this month for work and have had much work stress, and after tomorrow I will have the rest of the year off--I could jump for joy.

I have a lot I'd like to still explain.  Hardly a day goes by in which I remind myself what my NM deliberately said to me two years ago that was so pivotal and it's a focus point for me to remember why I have no need for her N-ness anymore. It is not so simple, though.  I have a GM who lives 15 miles from her, who will be leaving pretty much all her assets to my NM, and who is ailing, and who is "in the middle" of us, and I guarantee that if something happens to GM, my NM will not tell me.  At that time the word Turning Point" will not even describe it.

But for now I am so ready to hang out at home and cook and see some movies and read and enjoy my family of five and our traditions.  One of the three of them still Believes and has feet smaller than mine.

However you like to celebrate, I wish you much joy and strength and good times this season.

How I Learned To Not Be Homesick

I have previously blogged about a time when I was 15 years old and my NM and worthless SF left my brother and I home alone for four weeks while they went to Europe on a vacation that was convenient timing for them (slow work time).  Now that I know my NM has NPD, the memories of childhood are coming back to me and I am viewing them from the NPD perspective and also from a parent's perspective.  I feel my NM had a completely different set of feelings for her children (my brother and I) than what I consider normal.  Completely different from how I feel about my children. 

Previously I have felt bad that my NM did not have a good childhood.  She had an abusive, alcoholic father who left home forever when she was 16.  Then she married at 18 and had my brother and then two years later had me.  I see now that her NPD was the result of much shame and insecurity in her early past.  Her high school senior year love interest dumped her for a former flame.  My bio dad was rebound guy—a weak man (and the beginning of a life-long pattern of my NM needing to be the Boss of her man). 

A few years after I was born, my NM wanted to move from our home state and find jobs in another state thousands of miles away.  My dad was not into this, but agreed.  When I was 4 yrs old we moved with hardly any goods at all to another state.  My NM was the worker bee, waitressing (which took care of the bills plus she'd bring leftover food home), and my dad was shy and unmotivated.  I have heard this story my whole life.  One night my NM came home late as usual from waitressing to find me (age 4), my brother (age 6) and father gone with all of our clothes gone too.  Apparently my father had planned to take us back to our home state without telling my NM, doing so while she was at work.  We took a train back and apparently (I have no memory of this) stayed with my paternal grandparents for three months.  My NM told me that she knew her marriage was over and stayed in this new state, working double shifts so that she saved enough money to be able to fly back to us, have a return ticket for her, plus to have a returning plane ticket for my brother and me so that when she arrived and took care of divorce proceedings, we three would return back to the new state.  Which is what happened.  When my NM would tell me this story sometimes she'd add that men would give her a ride home after her waitressing shift (we had no car) and that my dad would not be happy about that.  I am sure that my NM got attention--she was absolutely gorgeous.

My NM is a survivor.  She will work for something to get it.  I always thought she was the champion to save us from a life of being poor with a “loser” dad, in an "unglamorous" city where generations had always lived.  But now, 40+ years later, and as the mother of children……my heart would absolutely ache and break if I had to be away from my kids even a fraction of the three or so months she was away from us.  So now…..I feel she did what was best for her.  Because I am looking at event after event since I was 4 and I see that all of her actions toward her children were about what was best for her.

Years ago I recall speaking with my brother about some mom things.  He says he is grateful that she did not have an abortion and had him instead.  True.  And I am grateful that she wanted another child (me) so that her firstborn was not an only child as she was.  And I know that I am who I am because of my past experiences.  I am independent.  I am flexible.  I can be very strong.

I was sent to camp for two weeks when I was 8 yrs old and I learned about the word homesick, which is what happened to many other kids.  But I was never homesick.

Christmas Card

Review of the communication with my NM over the past couple of months:  my NM had requested in August that she visit during a certain weekend in Sept which wasn't good for us, and then she and her "fiance" traveled back to their winter home in Nov.  This traveling takes place very near to our home but she never stops (said in past she doesn't like the busy roads near us).  They are now about a 10 hour drive away.

Then Thanksgiving arrived and there was no phone call made by either of us.

Yesterday a card arrived in the mail addressed to the kids and I opened it.  It was a Christmas card with this note written in it:

"Between December 20 and January 3rd, I will buy 1, 2 or 3 round trip plane tickets from (your town) to (my town).  Let me know asap."

WTH?

Now, in the past she has asked for the kids to be put on a plane to visit here.  I have always said no.  I think she has always previously thought what I meant is that they are too young (they're now ages 14, 12 and 9).  Also, you may find it interesting that in the past she has asked for 1 or 2 kids to visit during the summer or whenever (as in 3 kids is too many). 

However, over the past 18 months or so, I have let her know via 2 emails that the kids will not be visiting her alone and why.  So she is writing to them directly in a Christmas card.  As if they are going to read that note and then say YES!--Mom I want to go!

My kids are getting older.  They work hard in school and want to hang out at home.  We won't even get into how hard I have been working and the week between C-mas and New Years will be my time off with them to do things.  The kids have been extremely busy the past two days with friends and events--when they see the card they'll say, Um, no.

I showed the card to DH.  He shook his head and we talked about crazy this was.  I am finally aware of how wrong it is to try and address minor kids without acknowledging me.  I've been wanting to have a family meeting with the kids to address the elephant together.  We're gonna have a family meeting tonight about the card and NM.

This Thanksgiving

Until fairly recently, the approaching holiday times brought much anxiousness and guilt.  Most of these feelings have been removed now that I know there won’t be any invites to get together (we live 10 hours apart) nor will there be a horrid phone call conversation on Thanksgiving Day.

A long, long time ago when DH and I were first married we drove after work the day before Thanksgiving to my NM’s and we arrived at 3:00 a.m.  We went to a lot of effort to be there for us two, young, poor newlyweds.  Thanksgiving Day was fine—it was just us and NM, stepfather and grandmother.  The day after Thanksgiving we saw a friend of mine and then after dinner that night we wanted to go to a sports bar to watch some college football.

It is a pattern of my NM’s to throw a fit if we have any plans of our own while we are visiting her for a few days.  This particular Thanksgiving was one of the first times, but they are numerous, and occur around holidays when we’ve visited.  We went out and she pouted and was mad.  I had always done what she wanted and learned from my DH (who is from a normal family) that this was unreasonable and crazy behavior.  My DH doesn’t have the best memory, but he always remembers this visit and how she threw a fit because we wanted to hang out with some young people like us for four hours instead of sitting at home with her.  If DH were to tell you a story about my NM he’d sum it up as “there’s a 24-hour of visitation, and then it all goes downhill fast after that”.

Ever since we had children (ages 13 and under now) we’ve wanted to drive the 6 hours  to my in-laws and have good Thanksgiving times with his large family, including lots of cousins for them to play with.  You can imagine the exclamations ahead of time from NM:  “Why do you always go there!” (and it is not always the parents-in-law—the Thanksgiving Day dinner alternates between my in-law relatives’ homes every year within the general vicinity).

Once there, it is always heavy on my mind that I need to make the phone call to NM to say “Happy Thanksgiving”.  About six years ago, right before our dinner, I phoned my NM and after I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving she said with venom, “Well what’s so happy about it?  Everyone else in this town is out and about with their grandkids and families.  Maybe we’ll just move away to another country.”  I quickly got off the phone, relayed it to my DH in private, cried, and he pretty much said Fuck ‘em—you have this family here, and then I got over it. I am very lucky to have married into a family that of course isn’t perfect, but does not have these kinds of issues. 

One year ago this month I had finally emailed my mother and addressed her bullying tactics and that my kids would not visit her without me there and that is when she replied back that “she is letting go”.  That was the first Thanksgiving that I felt no dread and obligation to call.  She did contact me this past April to ask again about having the kids visit her but we did not and although she suggested visiting us on a particular weekend a couple months ago, that weekend was not good for me (luckily because I don’t feel like seeing her).

In a couple of days I will be with my in-law family including about 10 brother and sister-in-laws and many nieces and nephews, and enjoying my time off of work with my DH and our kids.

When my NM’s NPD came to light for me a couple years ago I was filled with despair that this situation was a part of my life for the past  40+ years and for as long as I live in the future.  That was an overwhelming, depressing, helpless feeling.  But I have now realized this year, that because I feel no obligation to call and deal with the aftermath, and because I did not receive an inquiry as to my holiday plans, I feel free to enjoy the people I am with, free to enjoy Thanksgiving. 

It feels good to think about what I do have in my life, and not what I don’t have.

One of the good things I have is your strength you share in your stories of similar situations.  Happy Thanksgiving!

She Won't Take a Hint -- Need Advice

 

I was getting ready to post about the status of any communications between NM and me from this past May (after she called out of the blue asking for the kids to visit her after 5 months of NC) to present, but I have rec’d an email from NM today so I am going to jump to the present, as I need some advice.

NM had emailed me in July to ask if she and her “fiancée” (they have been together for many years) could visit for a certain weekend in August but I said no because that was right before back to school.  I should have addressed with her then that it is appalling that she keeps trying to pick up without acknowledging what I wrote to her last Nov.  She then emailed me in August suggesting we get together in my area for her b-day weekend or a later weekend of my Youngest’s b-day.  I ignored that email.  Since she didn’t acknowledge my b-day in May I thought that was pretty nervy (and humorous actually) that she would suggest we get together for hers.  At this time she is in her summer home which is about 3 hours away from me.  It was interesting that she is no longer asking for the kids to visit her, but to instead come to me.  Except that I cannot even now stomach the thought of her being in my house.

I asked my youngest child about her visiting that weekend.  He said no way, he was planning a sleepover and didn’t want her there with all his friends there (I wasn't considering it but I was open with him that she was inquiring).  As his b-day got closer she emailed me again and I did respond that he was having a sleepover so that weekend wouldn’t work.  She wrote back mad saying, “You knew we were planning that weekend.”  Turns out she only wants to visit when her fiancée can have off of work every few weeks so he can drive and also be her moral support (she now hates driving).

That was news to me that we were actually planning something.  And Readers, she has no concept of what my weekends/week/life is like with three kids, enrolled in 4 sport teams, activities, etc.  In between a Fri night and a Sat a.m. and p.m., DH and I are tag teaming to get it all done, around town, not to mention the food shopping, meal making, etc., etc. on the weekend since I am at work during the day (and she is a retired person). 

Then she sent a gift that was of no interest to my child (as is often the case).  The price tag of $30.00 was left on it, from a small, local store.  Other Grandma sends each kid a $20 check which thrills my kids to no end as they know what they’d like to buy at Target, etc.

I have had my child write thank you notes to several relatives and I was just thinking about reminding him about a letter to her to be done with it and I just got this email today:

“I have not heard back from you in 5 weeks since you wrote about the sleepover party.  I called on the actual birthday night and spoke to (other child) and asked for you to call me.  I do not know if my birthday gift was received.”

She had called on that actual b-day, about an hour before I even got home from work and b-day boy wasn’t home yet either.

So…since this woman cannot take a hint, do I:

A).  Reply back on email that my child rec’d the gift.

B).  Ask child to send thank you note in mail (I’m torn between manners vs. encouraging correspondence with the kids. Although I should not care about manners any more with her).

C).  Take this opportunity to point out that we won’t have any normal correspondence with each other since there has been no response from her to my email from last Nov., no apologies for things she has said.

D).  Other?

I’m stressed.  I’m busy at work.  I can’t deal with her.