Be Good to Yourself Tomorrow and Real Love

Last year was the first Mother's Day I had after I was able to put an NPD description to my NM.  Also, last Mother's Day was one I will always remember for me as feeling the most incredible joy and love from my DH and children.  I felt extremely fragile last year and the true love at my house meant even more to me last year than ever.

I was married for many years before DH and I had children.  Just about every Mother's Day I would leave my DH alone and travel 3 hours or so to spend a night and be with my NM and many times my brother was there too and we'd take her out to brunch and of course I brought a gift.  My NM loved the image of her and us out to brunch.  It was always so uncomfortable for me.

Then I became a mother and DH and I have done our own thing on Mother's Day but I would always send a card AND a gift (I have to say I feel fortunate in  many ways not living nearby by NM but also feel like it prolonged my realization of how things truly were/are).

Not once in my 14 years of being a mom has my NM ever said Happy Mother's Day to me.

Around 2.5 years ago, after realizing my NM does not think twice to betray me, I have acted more real.  But there is still that "higher road" that I feel...still that decency feeling toward another human being.  So what I did last year was send her a "To Grandmother" card from the kids.  Since the reality is that she doesn't even like me.

Earlier this week I only spent time at one store....but I truly could not even find a suitable card from my kids....other than just picking one that is blank inside.  Which I didn't do.  BTW, this buying of cards has been a depressing chore for years and years.  I usually found one that said "Hope you spend your day doing whatever you love to do" and then she always exclaimed over the pretty purple flowers or whatever.

I saw this one for laughs:

I looked and looked and picked one out for my GM and one easily for my MIL.  But I just didn't feel like picking out a blank one or a generic one for my NM.

I thought maybe we would send an e-card so I looked around online today  But I don't feel like messing around with signing up for an account.  Back to chuckling...check this one out:

We sent my GM a card.  I am sure she is not happy that I have not gone back to visit her so that I can bring her some take-out food.......

It is a tough weekend for many people--at whatever stage one is in during this awakening and path.

Crazy Talk

When I was out of state to visit my Grandmother (GM) I visited with my NM not only that night I described in my last post but after a good day with the kids and I doing some fun things and a visit with GM we stopped by my NM’s so she could see the kids once more before I drove back home the next day.  I really had the guilts from my GM being happy that I was getting together with my NM.

Now I see that she played the more polite role the first night when the kids were swimming in her community pool, sticking to topics of polite chit-chat such as how am I liking my job (I was surprised as she never asks).  I think she was intending to find out how much traveling I was doing.

We ended up going to a deli nearby and at this meal the kids and I were quickly “over” her conversation.  Once again she droned on to them about how they could excel at a sport if they really wanted to.  She kept talking this usual way without engaging them and none of us had anything to say to her. 

After hardly speaking for two years, my NM had these interesting moments:

When we saw each other the first night she said, “Oh, you cut off all your hair.”  Ummm, it is on my shoulders, and only a few inches shorter than I used to wear it.  Then the 2^nd night she asks me how I am liking the shorter hair.  I thought she was referring to herself.  I said I liked it.  She said, Oh you do?  I realized she meant my hair.

During our deli meal when she kept talking she says to the kids, “Your mother was so cute when she was little.  She had long blond hair…..big blue eyes.  She was so cute”  We all ignored her.

After dinner back at her place we didn’t go inside but took a quick walk to look at a fountain and I was really anxious to get to our hotel and I was walking in front of her, heading toward my car in the parking lot.  The kids are behind her.  She says, “You never used to have a butt before and now you are all filled out.”  I turned around and gave her a look to convey that was an asinine thing to say.  I turned back around.  She continued, “Oh, not that it looks bad—it looks good.”

 Put a fork in me, I was done.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

But here’s the latest insanity.

My GM is in a nice rehab/skilled nursing center and receives physical therapy every day except Sunday.  She will most likely be there for another 6 weeks.  She is doing as well as can be expected from voluntary hip surgery, but her upper body is weak.  Once she is released she will have a home health care aid come to her house for 5 hours a day, maybe longer, and she had this service before.  She will need to be stronger as she will not have a full time aid.

For the past few years my NM has lived in a winter home that is near GM from November to April and a summer home from May – October (because GM helped her buy the summer home—remember, my NM told GM she would not be able to visit her unless she forked over thousands of cash to put down).

Well, guess who has left for summer home and left GM at rehab with no one else she knows around.   All I have heard  now in every conversation from GM is how wonderful my NM has been since her surgery on March 1^st, bringing her food and treats and doing her laundry. 

NM has left for summer house because she always intended to leave last week of April so that she could plant her garden by May 1^st.

Her vegetable garden.  At her summer home.

So, if a worker at the rehab center asks my GM where her daughter has gone, does my GM say, "Oh, she drove several states away to go to her summer home so that she can plant her garden by May 1st like she has wanted to." ??

Have I mentioned she is retired?  When we had a frank conversation in March and I stated that she had many opportunities to visit the kids but never did my NM defended herself, “But I was working then.  Now I’m retired!”

She is retired.  She has no where she needs to be.  Except she had to be at summer house to plant vegetable garden by May 1^st.

I work outside the home.  I get a set number of vacation days a year.  I cook every day when I get home for 5 of us.  Three kids in three different schools—Readers, you get my life but NM and GM (now) does not.  My NM planted the seed to GM that after NM leaves for her summer house, I can come visit.

And since she is still in the nice skilled nursing/rehab center, why does GM ask me to drive 10 hours each way or spend hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket???  She is asking for me to bring her over to her own place for some Chinese take-out food (or bring some take-out and hot coffee to her, and to do her laundry in her machines because the nice skilled nursing home would wash her clothes with other people’s at the same time and she does not want that.  GM was telling me this (like I said I thought she needed help if she was getting discharged) and I said, “Do your laundry?” and she said, “Yes, it is very easy—you just put a load in the washer and then the dryer.”  I was silent but what I wanted to say is that I know, I do about 10 loads a week at my house.

I vented to DH about the insanity.  My BFF lives in the same town and had visited GM and could pick up her laundry and take her Chinese food if I asked her to.  DH said he could drive there and knock everyone’s socks off about how spouses do things for each other……but frankly I feel a few days, hundreds of dollars in gasoline or a plane ticket to do a load of laundry is a bit much.

GM has a nephew visiting there on business in 11 days from now and she has asked him to do these things too. 

I don’t know.  I think everyone has gone crazy.

Visit with My NM

The last 5 weeks have been way high up on the stress charts.  It has taken me several weeks to just let some time pass.

I wanted to make the long drive to visit my grandmother with 2 of my 3 children during their spring break (the oldest had some sports tournaments and DH stayed home too).  We left on a Saturday and drove back on a Tuesday.  Eleven hours there and 10 hours back.  My GM had elective hip surgery in early March and my NM lives near her approx. Nov-April.  After the surgery I spoke to my NM as described in the last post, for the first time in a year.  I can honestly say I do not shake anymore while speaking with her as a result of learning so much about NPD this past year and also hearing the words on your blogs.  When I speak to her now or listen to her it is less personal, and more as if I am listening to a “case”.  And then later it affects me and I have to sort through it.

Believe it or not I enjoyed the drive and we made lots of stops and had fun.  For the first night we stayed with an old friend of mine, who knows everything about my family, and she adores our kids and my DH (who was very happy to be home and work on spring yard projects).

I did not call my NM to tell her I was coming—I would have had to hear all about how I should stay with her (!!) or what time to see her or my GM together (GM is at a skilled nursing home getting physical therapy care).  I did call my GM and told her we’d see her Sunday afternoon, the next day.

It was very nice to relax, sleep in and catch up with my friend and go out to breakfast the next day and shop for a few things for GM.  That afternoon as we drove the 30 mins to see GM I called my NM.  I told her we were in town because the kids had a few days off and that we were seeing GM for the next couple of hours.  I had asked the kids if she invited us over what they wanted to do.  I don’t let my kids make adult decisions, but we were on this trip together and they know what is going on.  But the good thing about being with kids is sometimes their simple answers can cut to the chase.

My NM lives in a community that has some gorgeous pools.  And it was Hot.  The kids said in unison, “We want to swim in her pool.”  So my NM and I kept it brief and she asked that since we would be extremely close to her place after our visit with GM, did we want to come over afterwards and the kids could use the pool.  So I told her that would be fine.

We visited with my GM, for two hours and I was so, SO proud of my good boys.  It was hot, they had to share one chair, they were bored but not one time on the way down, or visiting with GM or on the drive back did they ever whine or complain.  I’m verklempt just writing about it.

As I mentioned in my last post, my GM had begun to ask what is it that my NM did to me.  She is almost 90 yrs old and now frail and now needing my NM who is the only relative that lives near her half of the year, she's been needing my NM to take care of household things.  I had told me GM about the disrespect and the mean stuff, all of which GM knows.  What GM does not know and I will someday write about is my NM's betrayal.  My GM certainly had her list of why she was “done” with my NM two summers ago.  When GM heard that we were heading over to see my NM and have a swim, she said, “That’s nice.”  I brought my kids on this trip to be with me, and have a little fun together (beach) and to see their Great GM and although my NM does not deserve to see me or them, we did spend a couple hours with her.

After visiting with GM I called my NM.  In the back of my mind I am thinking, “I cannot believe that I am going to be visiting with my NM, who has behaved horribly two summers ago to my GM in their summer home that I had to go rescue her, and that said horrible things about me to my GM that she relayed to me.  Things that made me realize after all these years that my NM doesn’t like me.  There is no way all that venom can spew out about someone (me) and ever think it was ever right to begin with.

We arrived at her place and as I predicted and braced my middle son, she exclaimed over and over how much he had grown.  She had not seen the kids in 2 years.  From May through October she lives only 3 hours from me and the past two years I told her she could visit us but she never did.  She wants them to be with her without me there, but they don’t want to and we parents won’t allow it.

There was no physical touch for me and our body language likely read to each other to make this a grand-kid related visit and nothing else except of course to review all of her financial woes over past 6 months what she has been up to.  So there we were, sitting by the pool.  It was surreal.  But like I said, it was bearable because I know what she is, I know it is not me, I know who I am, and I just made mental notes of the Narc-isms.

When I spoke on the phone a couple weeks prior and we had some very frank words, I did mention some things about how I realize some things even looking back to my childhood.  My NM responded as to I had no clue how bad her childhood was.  So I think my NM is dismissing any of the current issues I have with her and is focusing on that childhood comment.  The only reference we really had during this visit is she said, “Speaking of childhood abuse…” and she mentioned something about her childhood.  I am very calm and parent-like and acknowledged that I know her childhood was the pits.

The only way my NM has known to show the kids she feels for them is to buy them something so she insisted that although it was late she wanted to get them an Easter gift and we went to the big store next door (which worked for me because I bought some toiletry items I needed).

When we said good-bye and she says to me, “Come here, You!” And gives me a long hug.  I did not feel it and I did not reciprocate.  As others have said in their Narc parent blogs, the body does not lie. 

Of course my NM had wanted to know what we were doing the next day.  My NM thought that at some point we would hook up during the day but we did our thing and she did hers. We ended up seeing her for about another 2 hours the next night and I’ll post more about that next.  There were more Narc-isms then and have been some more in the past week.

I’m worn out, flat worn out.  But my kids and DH are the best people I know and I work during the day and drive home to see them again after work like a bat out of hell to get home.

Conversation with NM

In the fall of 2009 I emailed my NM and told her that she was bullying me and a few other honest observations including that the kids would not be visiting her alone.  She responded that my email hurt her and that “she was letting go.”  We didn’t speak until April 2010 at which time she asked again for the kids to visit her that summer because she deserved it because she was getting older but still young enough.  I replied in email that I could visit with them or she could visit here.  I have not spoken to her on the phone, nor have the kids seen her in 24 months.

I was upset to see an email from her last week that my grandma had had a heart attack as a result of her elective surgery.  She sent the email many days after the heart attack happened.  (Note: the email gave that fact about GM and continued on with 2 sentences about what she has been up to regarding trying to sell her house). 

So after I spoke to my GM I called my NM and she proceeded to give me an update on GM and what she had learned from her docs and how she should be moved soon to a rehab center but not sure what day that would happen.

As usual she tried to dominate the conversation.  Once again she tells me how she sees all these other grandparents in her resort town that have their grandkids visit but not her.    Once again she mentions how they are getting older.  Once again I tell her that there have been times when I have asked her to come visit for a long weekend and she said she is busy working, and then we observe her managing to go with friends on a vacation.  My NM is pretty quick with her excuses.  She says, “I was working then.  Now I am retired.”  I tell her that I have worked for the past 25 years since I was 22 and have managed to take long weekends to visit her and take one week’s vacation several times to drive with the kids to visit…and then I see her lose patience after 36 hours.  She tells me that she made a point to have my brother and I see our paternal grandparents often even though she and my dad were divorced.  “I didn’t keep them from you,” she says.  (My grandparents conveniently helped her out watching us for weeks at a time when needed.  They were 2 hours away and she never drove us—she had no relationship with them.  As young as ages 6 and 8 she put us on a Greyhound bus which had 3 stops in between and took 4 hours).

She tells me, “You were my princess.  I have always done everything for you.”  I told her I have been an adult for a long time and she has not done much for me as an adult.  As far as the childhood goes, I tell her that I did get food, shelter and those things.  She tells me that I got a lot more than that. She continued on, “Until you got married and someone else was responsible for you.”  (Note this is a really oddball thing to say.  I married my DH who is same age as me.  We have worked hard—I would never say that anyone was responsible for me).

I told her that it is the realization of many things over the past couple of years and her comments in front of me and behind my back that have made me realize that there is not like for me or love or respect.

“Crickets.”

There was no reaction or dispute to that.  I’m sure she wasn’t listening to me.  But she knows what I am talking about.  I stated a couple times that there was no respect for me.

I continue and tell her what she said in front of the kids summer of 2008 made me realize these things.  Note: after a weekend visit to her in summer of 2008 with me/the kids and her bitching at them for not playing certain sports that make a lot of money (golf), and bitching at them for walking in front of a glass door that scared a cat outside, and telling them that they need to visit her without me as they would have more fun…….she also told them something else as we were getting ready to leave. 

The story about my ex-step-father is a long one.  But pivotal to where I am today. 

I continued and told her that what she said in front of the kids and me has really made things clear.  What she said to the kids that day in 2008 after I told her I didn’t appreciate having ex-step-father drop by un-announced: “The ex-step-father is a nice man.  Your mother is the one with the problem.”

Back to our conversation….She said, “If that is the worst thing I ever said to you, then my mom (GM) has said much worse things to me.”

I told her we were going to have to agree that we are never going to see eye to eye and that we will disagree.  I also said a couple times during the conversation that I did not cause this situation.

She tells me that we should do one of two things.  Either (1) see a counselor together, or (2) go on a vacation together for a few days and talk it out (I almost LOL’d). 

Years and years ago I thought to myself that she and I should do counseling.  I thought she was the way she was as an adult child of an alcoholic and got books on it and felt bad for her childhood.  But now I know what my DH has always told me—that she will never change and can’t be reasoned with and all I can do is change how I want to deal with her.

I said, “Well, option 2 is not going to happen.”

Toward the end she mentioned how she wants to hear from the kids once in a while and how hard can it be to make some calls on Sunday night and also to call GM, and she says, “She is leaving them money (in her will) so the least they can do is call her on a Sunday.”

And then her cell phone died.  She must have plugged it in because pretty soon she left me a vm: “I did not hang up, my phone died.  I just wanted to say that you only have one mother, so remember that.  Give it some thought.”

At no time in our conversation did she ask me one word about what I am up to.  At no time did she ask one word about how her grandkids are.

I Should Have Been More Prepared

Two weeks ago my grandmother (GM)  had an elective surgery--I don't think she should have but she is a tough one.  We (the 5 of us) had a really good visit with her last summer.  She lives 10 hours away.  My NM lives 15 miles from her during the months of Nov-April.  They have always had a volatile relationship.  My NM bosses her around but my NM has always asked to borrow $$ from my GM.  During the last few years, my NM lives in another state during the months of May-Oct. in a house with her "fiance".  My NM had told my GM that if she wanted to visit NM then she would have to put in 1/3 (cash) of the house they were buying.  And then my GM lived there with them during the summer (she can't drive and uses a cane or walker but can cook for herself).  The summer of 2009 my NM was so verbally abusive that DH and I drove up to get her (my NM left for the day) and get her back home.  Fortunately my GM is a very smart lady and years ago took out long term insurance so that she would have a home health care person come over.  So she lives alone but has a lady come over for 5 hours 5 days a week to drive her to doctors, grocery store, etc.

GM mailed me a key to her home right before her surgery and made sure I knew the name of the hospital.  During the past couple of years GM knows that I keep to myself regarding my NM and she has of course seen for herself my NM's abusive words and her rages and her using people.  I believe that my GM has some sort of version of NPD.    My NM (only child) never felt loved by my GM.  I am 100% certain that my GM never felt loved by her mom (I knew my great GM--the women in my family UNTIL ME had a girl baby at age 21 so there were many generations until I broke that chain).  In fact, my Great GM had my GM and then later had 2 boys and made it obvious she loved those boys more--she sent my GM away to Europe to live in a convent from ages 9 - 12).

My GM knew that she needed my NM's help during the surgery and rehab time.  I believe that my NM has been doing quite the number on my GM as far as saying things about me.  GM has always confirmed this in the years past with examples that turn my blood cold and made me realize these last 2 years that my NM does not love me the way I know love is.

So, my GM had her surgery.  Note to self: even though the plane tickets were $500and even though I could not get much vacation time, I should have driven the 10 hours as I have a decent car to spend a long weekend because anything could have happened.  The day after her surgery--I could not believe it--I got an email from my NM, "GM had her surgery.  It was 3.5 hours long.  She is OK.  I will be moving her to a skilled nursing center (note: this was always the plan for her rehab) in a few days.  Not sure which one--it depends on the availability."

I replied back "That was a very long time to be under.  Thanks for letting me know how she did."

And then I had to fly across the country for work for a couple of days.  On my way back home I called the hospital but couldn't reach GM.  I called the skilled nursing facility nearby--she wasn't there.  I emailed my NM asking which facility GM is at.  She emailed me back the next day, "GM had a heart attack a couple days after her surgery and so she has been in ICU but she is in a regular room at the hospital now." (freak out and panic).

I called the hospital and spoke to GM.  I hate that a doc did her surgery at her age.  She was still herself (note to self: she could have had a stroke and not be able to speak.  I should have driven to see her and screw my job).  So she was still herself (the heart attack was mild) but the anesthesia is of course horrendous on a body--esp. an 89 yr old body, and her surgery on her leg left her with an incision.  And we talked for about 20 mins and she even asked about her great grandkids (my kids).  I know she was hurt that I hadn't called sooner.  She has mentioned several times that my NM has been good about visiting her and taking her to the hospital.  She mentions sometimes how my NM is her only daughter.  She then told me she doesn't like it that NM and I aren't talking to each other.  I have told her many times previously that I don't want her to worry about that.  I have also told her that she says mean things and doesn't respect me and says ugly things about me in front of the kids, which was the final straw.  So there in the hospital she comes out and says, "What did she do?"  Well, I am not about to tell my sore, recuperating 89 yr old GM everything.  But for the first time from her (and I don't begrudge her--she is old and in pain) I am hearing that she doesn't like how it is with me and NM and by telling me that she only has one daughter, she is telling me that I only have one mother. 

It always in the end comes back to me.  And then I called my NM.

My Grandma (the Kids' Great Grandma) is our only link

One of my kids had a birthday last month and my NM is resorting to trying to buy attention with a gift.  Rather than ever ask my kids what they would like for a b-day she often will send something that was pricey but not anything they want.  Or she is inconsistent.  Last summer she was mad because I was not changing my mind about having the kids visit her without me.  My child that had a summer b-day received $10.

The child who had the birthday a few weeks ago received $50.  \Written on the birthday card was a note that stated to all the kids, "Kids, it takes two to have a relationship.  Grandma desires a relationship.  So call me or email me, let's say every two weeks."  My youngest looked at the card and said, "She never even wrote Happy Birthday in it."

The kids' other Grandma (normal) has many grandchildren and to keep things equitable always sends a check for $20 (with a note asking them how they are doing, etc.).  To be real, I have to say that the kids certainly don't wake up any given day and call this grandma.  But this grandma is normal and knows that is not usually what many kids do.

Obviously, my kids get nothing out of calling my NM.  But my middle child called her to say thanks for the check.  He told me she lectured about the lack of calling her.  He told me he actually put the phone down during this.

In the meantime I don't contact her at all and have not had a phone conversation in 11 months.  She also sent them Valentine gifts.  They are from Target so perhaps we can take them back.  One item was a pocket knife.  What if I had rules about pocket knives?  Another was a game for the Wii.  She is having money issues and does not need to be sending things they don't want.

In my NM's mind I am the reason that the kids have no interest in speaking with her.  I got a brief email the other day, "Why am I not hearing from the kids?  As a daughter you are very hurtful to me."

I practically laughed out loud.  Me hurting her?  She has hurt me so bad that I am not interested in ever speaking again.  I could have answered and outlined again the horrible things she has said.

But she is getting back at me in a big way.  She lives near my grandmother  (they are a 10 hour drive from me), whom she verbally abused--in fact so badly one summer that I had to drive and get grandma and drive her home to her permanent house.  My NM and grandma bought a summer home together--my NM wanted it and my G'ma is the one with cash so my NM told her that she couldn't visit this summer home unless she put up her share of the cost to buy the house... To give you more info, that summer my NM tells me in front of G'ma, "I never dreamed I'd still be having to make arrangements with her at my age (meaning why the hell is she still kicking at age 89?).

But now grandma is having surgery in a few days and my NM has told her that if my NM is to take her to hospital and then help her with her affairs while she is recuping, then my NM needs to be guaranteed of a few things.  So off to grandma's attorney they went so that my grandma could assure her that she is getting just about everything.  A couple years ago my grandma was hurt so bad she swore she was changing her will, etc.  My NM has counted on inheriting grandma's properties and is frankly not pleased that grandma is now 90 years old.  My grandma is not "perfect", in fact she may have her own N-ness.

Grandma is our connecting link.  If Grandma's surgery does not go well I am sure that my nm "will fix me" by not keeping me informed.  It will be up to me to contact the hospital and then stay connected afterwards by calling her at the convalescent home.  Grandma gave me just a week's notice about her impending surgery and the flights were almost $500; I am not happy that I didn't visit her now, but will be visiting in April.

Grandma's assets have been coveted by my NM for ....forever.  When grandma passes away and my NM gets just about everything (which is fine with me--I am used to no accolades for my ability to have a good, 23 year marriage and maintain a career and have three nice children and do fine).....I hope she uses everything she inherits wisely because we will no longer have a link and there will be no reason for us to ever have a conversation.  There is no need for us to have a conversation now, but in my mind that is when I can officially cut her off.  I learned over the past week or so that I have a lot of hatred and disgust.

Strong Memory of Being Used

I have a memory of something cruel that my mom did to me that I have thought of often.  I may sound like a broken record, but as a mother of a 12 year old I cannot imagine my DH or me doing anything even close to this to one of our children.

When I was about 5 we lived in an apt (my NM, brother and me) and my NM made friends with another single mom.  A few years later my NM remarried and we moved to another state and lived in a posh house with lots of room and this friend of my mother’s was down and out and came to live with us for a month or two.  She had a daughter who was about 5 at this time and I was about 9.

A few years later we were located back in the same state (NM had divorced hubby #2) and my NM had done well for herself with her own business.  I was 13 years old, maybe even close to 14—I am horrified as I write this.  My NM and this friend were not close anymore and as I learned later this friend had asked my NM to borrow some money and my NM had refused.

Well, my NM and I were at a restaurant and I have no idea if this friend knew it and came by—those details aren’t clear, but no way was it coincidental—it was a very large town, and their friendship had been mostly phone because they didn’t live super close to each other.

Well, my NM put on a big air and acted pretty snotty as this friend stood next to our table.  Then my mom says that I had been to Italy that summer (on some sort of an exchange program).  A big fat lie!!!  Always the protector of my mother……I just sat there.  And didn’t deny it.  My NM’s friend stood there and looked at me (you could tell she was assessing the situation).  I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that this was a blatant lie.  This friend was originally from that country – what if she asked me what cities I’d been to??  What if she asked me something in her original language?  I don’t think I ever met her gaze.  She just asked me if I had a good time.  I said yes.  She was cordial and went on her way.  I don’t remember any explanation from my NM later.  I only picked up later from other conversations that for some reason my NM didn’t like this friend anymore. 

I realize that I still feel bad about that and regret it.